


The Kitchen Sink

by July



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, F/F, F/M, Humanstuck, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-12
Updated: 2012-11-03
Packaged: 2017-11-07 14:59:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/432418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/July/pseuds/July
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There doesn't seem to be anything for anyone in this town. Sollux and everybody around him simply trod along, day by day, in the life sentence of boredom, listlessness and mediocrity. At least he may find a kindred spirit among the everyday doldrums. Human!stuck, non-linear, warning for soft drug use/hard drug abuse. Co-written with shaunic-youth (no account on this site.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**June 6th, 2010, 17:04 – The Pub**

“How the fuck do I manage to be around you at all?” Karkat sighs miserably, his gravelly voice causing the two on either side of him to chuckle. He inhales on his cigarette once more before stamping it out into the chipped ashtray on the table in front of them. “Seriously, do I have to fucking leave even when I was the one who decided to gather us here, and where the fuck is that fuckass who said he’d be here half an hour ago, I’ve had enough of you two talking about each other.”

Sollux looks up at the woman across from him, smirking more or less to himself. He taps his own carton of cigarettes on the forest green laminated table, withdrawing one and taking his friend’s lighter to spark it, the tip burning a dirty glowing orange. On his first inhale, he blows the smoke out onto the table, watching it spread and dissipate into the surrounding haze from the other patrons. “We don’t always talk about each other,” he added casually. Karkat slams his hands on the table, thumbs scratching at the wooden trim.

“You’re an idiot, Captor. If it’s not her complaining about you, it’s you complaining about her.” Before he can go on, Aradia laughs from next to him.

“Really, Karkat, you can’t take someone else complaining?”

He only scowls, but finally his expression softens, albeit marginally, when he sees a familiar face walk into the bar. He finishes his pint and shoves past Sollux on the rounded bench to join the newcomer. Aradia’s mouth quirks into a smile at Sollux and he feels a sudden dark feeling sinking in his stomach. He physically clenches the feeling away and taps off the ashes into the tray.

“Can I have one of those?” she asks him, gesturing to his cigarettes. He passes them over without a word and watches as her long fingers withdraw one and light it. She blows the smoke out of her nose, she always has.

“Thought you were quitting,” Sollux murmurs, watching Karkat from across the room. “Or are those just the ones you spend your own money on?”

“Fuck off,” she giggles.

“Yeah, I know, it’s hard to resist it when the entire fucking pub smells like someone’s been smoking them out their asshole for three months.” His voice trips over the last two words, slurring them slightly with his old lisp he hadn’t quite gotten over.

“Thanks for the mental picture.”

Sollux pulls out his phone, scrolling through his contacts. He’s dressed in his typical garb, a black T-shirt and loose jeans. His dark hair is unstyled, sticking out in random places, sun glasses hanging by the collar of his shirt. His eyes are blue, but his right pupil is permanently swollen to a large size, nearly blocking out any remaining colour. It is this way due to a rather embarrassing injury he doesn’t like to talk about. He flips through his messages, glaring at his last one.

“Eridan bail on us again?”

“God, fuck him,” Sollux growls and shoves his phone back in his pocket. “Probably too busy with his hair or whatever.”

“We don’t complain about each other all the time, do we?”

The question catches Sollux off guard as he looks up, eyebrows raised. Aradia is biting her lip nervously, one hand tousling her jet-black curls with perfectly manicured nails. Her brown eyes are lined with equally black eyeliner, complexion naturally tanned and clear. She’s wearing a thin-strapped sleeveless top and short trousers. Sollux swallows before answering her question.

“It’s Karkat,” he says simply.

She nods half-heartedly at his response. “It’s just ever since we broke up, maybe we take shots at each other a little more often…”

Sollux doesn’t answer, feeling the awkward tension rise between them. Taking the opportunity, he gets up and saunters over to the bar not before mumbling to Aradia that he’ll get her another pint. He doesn’t want to deal with what she was about to bring up. It was hard enough to even be around her without discussing their breakup. It happened over six months ago, and he could say he was over it. Sollux could definitely say he was over it, just not when it was brought up in conversation. What was that about?

He joins Karkat and Terezi, holding out two fingers to the bartender. The newcomer turns as Sollux lightly brushes against her arm and without hearing a word, she recognizes him. “Captor,” she simply states as a greeting before turning back to the sound of Karkat’s voice. He knows she can’t see very well, but her other senses were more the eyes she would ever need. She’s grinning at Karkat as he airs his grievances in rambling, convoluted strings of metaphor. It was all anyone could do as he spoke, both at his undeniable wit and the hilarity that he was being serious. He rarely saw the man smile.

 

Sollux is handed two pints and he nods as he takes them back to the table. When he turns around, there is a new presence at the table already, and he immediately feels a strong sense of annoyance. There he is, Eridan fucking Ampora, the douchelord who has shown up not only fashionably late, but clearly flirting with Sollux Captor’s ex-girlfriend. Had he not already felt completely awkward before returning to see his (whom he now regrettably called) friend, his reaction could have been avoided as he stalked back over to the table, sliding in next to Aradia in the middle of whatever snickering conversation they were having.

“Got your pint,” he speaks up as the other two fall silent.

“Hey, Sol,” Eridan says cheerfully, as if nothing had been happening. Sollux gives him a look of contempt, his anger flaring. It’s strange how easily he could become irritated. He’s over her. Definitely. But this asshole just doesn’t know what’s appropriate. Sollux isn’t responding, the awkward tension building even more, and he can feel Aradia flicking him sharply in the arm.

Eridan looks back and forth between them. The corner of his mouth twitches into an attempted smile as he senses the anger emanating from Sollux. “Sorry I’m late?” His statement is posed as a question asking what he did wrong. Something in Sollux lets go as he sighs in defeat, figuring it’s not worth it to begin bickering, though he knows he’s going to hear it from Aradia.

“Yeah, no, it’s okay. I’m sure you had important hair problems to attend to.”

Eridan scoffs, feeling his friend returning to his normal, nonchalant tone. He himself laughs nervously, Sollux noticing a sudden flush in his cheeks and the loss of eye contact. “No, Fef lost one of her bangle things at my place, I had to look for it, you know how she is.”

Right, Fef, fuck, Sollux thinks, feeling a wave of embarrassment wash over him. It’s almost as strong as the aura of contained rage bleeding from Aradia next to him. The cover-up is bloody obvious, an odd stroke of modesty from the typically arrogant man, and for once, Sollux can appreciate him. Eridan leaves the booth to the bar without a word, and the awkward silence returns. It kills him, and he reaches out to the first thing he can think of saying.

“So, uh, in the middle of the day for those two? Impressive.” He may as well have not said anything, because as soon as he stops speaking, he hears it.

“What the fuck,” Aradia spits. “What is your fucking problem?”

Sollux doesn’t even look over, suddenly feeling mentally exhausted. He just takes a large gulp of beer. “I’m sorry,” he says simply.

“Not everyone in a mile radius is fucking flirting with me all the fucking time,” she snarls. He wants to wince. “And even if they were, what fucking right do you have to get pissed about it? You told me you were over this. Over us.”

He is. He totally is. And when Eridan returns, sipping on a Guinness (not because he likes it, Sollux knows, but because this is his interpretation of “doctor’s orders” for getting more iron for his anemia) Sollux puts a trying smile on his face and attempts to return to normal.

“Still drinking that fucking sludge?” he says, every last shred of confidence present in his voice.

“Fuck off,” Eridan smiles and brings the glass to his lips.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The tense changes between chapters are intentional. It may not make sense right now, but when more chapters are added, it should.

**December 31st, 2009, 23:15 – Karkat and Gamzee’s Flat**

“We need to talk.”

The flat was littered with people. Sollux and Aradia sat together on a couch in the middle of the party, but separated from any joy surrounding them at Gamzee and Karkat’s New Year’s party. That morning was yet another fight, and it was just another cloud of misery hanging around the couple. Sollux’s top lip curled in as he heard her voice, husky from alcohol and laced with an undeniable gloom. He knew what she was going to say, it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen it coming. Perhaps it was a move of desperation when he reached out to gently clasp his hand around hers, a final effort to say, please, no. And the message was clear when she retracted her hand and placed it on her knee.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “For the both of us.” The music and chatter in the background prevented Sollux from hearing her, but he didn’t have to. That was it. And he didn’t want to take it right now. It was forty-five minutes to the New Year and he wanted nothing more than to start it off being anything but miserable. He would have the rest of 2010 to be that. He looked at her one last time and her eyes were brimming with tears – fuck no – but he didn’t acknowledge it. Who the fuck did this at a goddamn party? He got up, instantly craving alcohol. Where was that motherfucker Karkat keeping the hard stuff? He shoved by Dave Strider, who, unbeknownst to him, was finishing a blow deal with someone else, to the counter where Vriska was pouring out shot glasses. Whatever it was in those glasses, he didn’t care. It could have been rubbing alcohol poisoned with arsenic for all he cared. Before he made it to the makeshift bar, he was suddenly face to face with Eridan Ampora, one of Feferi’s friends. Sollux snatched the shot glass from his hand, downing it within a second.

“What, hey!” Eridan protested, too surprised and too intoxicated to do so properly. “Fuck is your problem, Sol?”

“Give me another one of those,” Sollux snapped at Vriska, who only smirked at him in return.

“What did Aradia do this time?” she asked smugly over the noise of the party, refilling his glass. He glared at her and took the next shot.

“Hey, Sol, what’s wrong?” Eridan was beside him again, as he swiped a bottle of Jaggermeister from the counter. He motioned for him to follow and he does, anywhere away from Vriska was good for both of them. They walked into the living room and Aradia was gone. Eridan wobbled and dropped down on the couch, his drunkenness obvious, probably why he was being sympathetic. Sollux reluctantly sat next to him, having his glass wrenched from his fingers and sloppily filled to the brim with booze. Eridan put it down on the coffee table and slid it over to him, a large amount of the contents spilling.

“You look like you could do with a drink a somethin’,” he mumbled, words slightly slurring together, and with his usually slight Cockney influence suddenly more prominent. “What’s on your mind, you seem depressed.”

Sollux only knocked back the shot, his eyes welling with tears from the sting of three glasses and no chasers. “She ended it. Just like that, didn’t even hesitate, just fucking ended it.” God, why was he talking to this bloke? Sollux had known Eridan for a while, he figured. He had known Feferi longer, after finding each other in an Elder Scrolls discussion thread. For a few months they chatted, gamed and built a sort of online friendship. Then one day there was an email, followed by a Skype call, numerous phone conversations and suddenly her and her weird boyfriend showed up in Sheffield, disrupting whatever maintained order there was in his life. Not that it was hugely significant, that was only what Karkat claimed when he was introduced to the two. They came from Southend, and Sollux had directed her to Vriska’s flat she was leaving, and then they were there. He remembered seeing Eridan for the first time looking like a ghost of his current self. Slowly enough, Eridan had become healthier, gained some weight and colour in his face, and not to mention a certain pretension about him. That could have stayed behind, though he had always been at least somewhat arrogant. Sadly, Sollux was already invested in a friendship with Feferi and somewhat with Eridan to say much about it.

“What, you mean like she just broke up with you? Right now? Aw fuck, sorry, mate, here.” He poured more into Sollux’s glass, splashing his knee with it first, before refilling his own glass.

Sollux swallowed with more difficulty. “Yeah, that’s it, basically. Not sure how the fuck that’s gonna work with us living together but whatever. I don’t know. I don’t care, I just want to get pissed.”

Whatever happened in the next forty minutes began to slip from reality. Eridan kept forcing more liquor down Sollux’s throat, insisting he needed more of it. Drunk Eridan was a thousand times more personable, he remembered thinking, or maybe Sollux was less uptight. They never moved from the couch, they had tried, only to fall back down in a fit of giggles, and the music seemed to grow louder. Once enough of the alcohol had hit Sollux, he immediately went off on a rant about just how much he could not fucking believe she had fucking dumped him at a party. Each conversation progressed into something completely different.

– “I think it was this morning. She fucking had to complain that I was smoking a spliff inside. Big fucking deal, we’ve always done it! Oh, she says she’s trying to quit smoking and suddenly the flat smells like shit, and whatever. Last week she took my cigarettes, saying she would just have one as she rushed out for work, and smoked the entire fucking pack. Like I was well bothered, but didn’t say a damn word.”

– “God, I haven’t had it off with her for weeks. I wonder if she just doesn’t think I’m good enough anymore? Like she doesn’t feel like it ever, yeah? I don’t either. I don’t know, hey, don’t fucking laugh, this isn’t fucking funny! Aw, fuck it.”

– “She told me she loved me first, she asked me out in the first place. Obviously I love her. I love her so damn much, where is she? Are you listening? Naw, forget it. I just don’t get it, you know? You swear you love someone and it just… It stops. There’s no reason, even. Like it just stops because you’re suddenly fighting more and not shagging and going to bed at different times. Like when you’re just sort of lying there thinking, god, is she snoring? She’s never fucking done that. Or maybe I didn’t notice before. But god, she’s hot. I can’t… I can’t not think that.”

“You’re a fuckin’ mess, Sol.”

\--

Brushing through the mass of bodies that filled Karkat’s living room, Feferi was desperately holding onto her glass of wine as she made her way to the washroom. Beer was never a good idea in such a crowded place with only one toilet. As she predicted, the door to the loo was closed. Knocking firmly on the door, hoping whoever was in there would finish quickly before.

“Just a second!” called a wavering voice that she could immediately recognize.

“Aradia?” Feferi pressed her ear against the door, waiting for an answer. Suddenly the door opened and there was Aradia, hair down from its previous up do, hanging messily around her shoulders. Her mascara was running down her face and wiped in streaks across her cheeks.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Feferi asked, not refraining from crossing her legs, sending a clear message that she needed to pee. She was pulled into the bathroom instead, the door slamming shut. Aradia let out a heaving sob, a crackling sniffle following it.

“He didn’t even say anything.” Feferi frowned in confusion until she turned around. “Not a single fucking thing, he just took off to get drunk.”

Feferi’s eyebrows raised knowingly, lips pressing together. She didn’t know what to say, other than asking her to leave the room for a minute. Instead she offered a hug, Aradia squeezing her tight, not making her situation any better.

“I’m crashing on Kanaya’s couch until I can find another place, I just can’t stand being around him anymore.”

“Why not?” Feferi’s expression changed to one of worry as she let go of her friend.

“Because it’s like he doesn’t care anymore,” she wailed. “Or maybe he does, I don’t know, he’s just so distant. It’s gone. Whatever was between us is now gone.” She wiped at her eyes, creating even more streaks of black. “It’s not like this was sudden. But this morning that was just it.”

Aradia’s sobbing continued, and Feferi bit her lip, standing with her legs clenched tightly together. “Look, you’re going to be okay. If it’s over, it’s over. Now, I really have to use the loo, please?”

Her shoulders shook in a silent laughter. “Sorry,” she mumbled and walked out, closing the door behind her. She couldn’t believe it. She knew they were having some problems, but she always heard about them fighting the moment she first personally got to know Sollux Captor online. She just assumed they got over it and moved on and were happy again. They were meant to be, according to Sollux’s sarcastically cheesy moments on a video chat, where she had briefly seen Aradia’s face when she passed by in the background. She never assumed anything about his and Feferi’s relationship, which was pretty cool of her ¬– this one had a lick of common sense. Feferi was washing her hands when she heard the noise from outside the door. She hadn’t realized the time and Gamzee was leading the countdown until midnight. She opened the door to see Aradia standing just outside, leaning against the wall, eyes scanning the room, probably for Sollux. She walked up beside her, putting her arm around her shoulder in a half-hug and giving a supportive smile. Aradia returned it.

“Happy New Year!” the entire room shouted, glasses clinking, some couples initiating the tradition of kissing on the midnight mark.

“Well, there goes that,” Aradia sighed, looking on to see Vriska giving Kanaya a shy peck on the lips. They had fancied each other for what seemed like forever, and it seemed finally someone had made a move. Feferi couldn’t help but smile. Aradia, however, had her attention directed elsewhere. Her face had fallen and then twisted into absolute shock, jaw dropped, eyes widened. Feferi didn’t have to ask as she directed her gaze toward Sollux and Eridan, wrapped in each other’s embrace, sharing a passionate kiss. She wanted to laugh, she tried so hard not to burst into a fit of hysterics, but she let out a slight giggle after quickly covering her mouth with her hand. Luckily Aradia didn’t hear it. Then, doing the supportive friend thing, she led her away from the living into the kitchen, hearing only a quiet, “fucking asshole,” come from her mouth.

 

**July 6th, 2010, 10:00 – University Campus**

“So what the fuck was Aradia’s deal yesterday?”

Sollux sighs as he and Karkat walk around the outskirts of the school campus, the sun high in the sky on a cloudless day. They walk in silence after the question is posed, Karkat stopping at the top of a hill overlooking a large pond surrounded by trees. School is out until the next fall semester, but the campus is still spotted with summer students enjoying the nice weather. Karkat hates nothing more than to see people enjoying themselves, so Sollux is puzzled as to why he’s taking him to such a place. But he never questions it, as stranger things have happened.

“Well, no reason, really, you know how she is.”

Karkat rolls his eyes and sits down on the grass after checking to see if the morning dew had evaporated. “No. No, I don’t. But I know how you fucking are, what kind of douchelord move did you pull this time?”

Sollux glares at him from behind his sunglasses, looks away in defeat, and shoved his hands in his pockets. “May have gotten visibly pissed off when she was talking to Eridan.”

Karkat offers a harsh laugh as he picks a blade of grass and twirls it in his fingers. “Wow. So Sollux Fucking Captor is trying to act all macho against the evil forces of King Douchelord, who has the fucking audacity to exchange putrid words with the fair Aradia, The Goddess of All That is Good and Wonderful, who by the way, dumped your ass. God, what did he say to piss you off, did he wanna like, fuck her tits or something?”

Sollux sits down next to him and stares out over the pond. The campus is quite pretty, he must admit, though he rarely spent any of his years in school outside very often.

“No, I don’t know why I got pissed.”

“Is it because he’s like a super fucking shag machine who slays the ladies with a single glance? Because he’s not. And even if he was, and they went home and fucked, what does it matter to you? You’re not with her.”

“I know,” says Sollux, “but it’s still weird.”

“Also, can I please point out, fuckass,” Karkat turns to look at him, “exactly how many people have you slept with since you broke up?”

He gives a defensive snort and glares at him. “It’s not like she knows. It’s different.”

He knows it isn’t, he just doesn’t want to admit it. Karkat rolls his eyes again. “You are actually the biggest fucking moron. Like, I don’t think it’s possible to get any more stupid than that, and may I remind you, oh probable Lord of Hepatitis By Now, it was not forty-five minutes after she dumped you, that when that clock struck midnight, the fucking pumpkin carriage took off without you and you were snogging all over the fucking Prince of Douchebags.”

“For god’s sakes, if you’re going to suck at everything else, why don’t you make sense with your metaphors?”

“My metaphors make perfect fucking sense.” Karkat lays back, supporting himself on his elbows and breathes deeply. For once he seems to relax without the help of some other substance. The only sound is the dull murmur of distant voices. Sollux pulls his knees up to his chest. It’s surprisingly isolated out here.

“You’re being too quiet, who are you silently hating right now?”

Karkat opens his eyes and looks up at Sollux. “Nobody in particular. Maybe those art school cunts down there.” He motions to the other side of the pond. On the bank, a group of five people sit under the shade of a willow. He smirks at Karkat’s disdain. “You hate everybody.”

“Especially these artsy pricks. Fucking useless major, really.”

“Well, not as useless as a 50 in comp sci.”

“Yeah, yeah, Mister Fucking Effortless.” Sollux wonders how many names he’s going to be given today. “I’m just saying, loosen up a little. She can do what she wants. You’re being that controlling jerk of an ex-boyfriend that everybody fucking hates.”

Sollux chuckles as he looks back at the group under the tree. He sees a kissing couple, and he feels his stomach twist into bitterness. He knows it’s wrong, but he can’t help his heart dropping as he’s reminded of Aradia. Karkat is right; the past seven months were full of him going out and picking up random strangers – but not in excess – to relieve some of his tension. It was nice, but it was nothing compared to what he and Aradia had. He just wants to be loved, he thinks. Voicing it would only get him yet another eyeroll and insult from Karkat, but he doesn’t need to as he catches his smug look out of the corner of his eye.

“Well, shit,” Karkat says to himself.

 

**April 5th, 2008, 11:35 – Sheffield Station**

When Feferi Peixes had arrived at the train station with her weird friend, Sollux knew things weren’t going to blow over well. The instant he pointed her out in the crowd on the busy platform, Karkat nudged his arm and quickly muttered something too quick to comprehend. The only word he could make out from the irritated hiss was “hipsters”, and he sighed inwardly. She greeted Sollux with a tight embrace like they were old friends, despite only knowing each other by chat handles and usernames. After months of only speaking through text, knowing only what she looked like through photos and the odd Skype chat, he couldn’t say he wasn’t surprised by her appearance. She wore pink-framed cat-eye glasses with lipstick to match, her skirt bright and colourful. Her hair was long and wavy, and her entire face seemed to beam with her smile. Her friend stood awkwardly off to the side, looking around at anything but the two strangers greeting her. She introduced him as Eridan. The seemingly awkward disposition dropped and his posture stiffened when he heard his name. His face twisted into a smug sneer as he held out a hand. “Ampora,” he added.

“Captor,” Sollux replied, and, taken aback by the man’s sudden visible pride, shook his hand slowly. His skin was cold, and he gripped tightly, anxiously and Sollux instantly regretted ever telling Feferi about Vriska moving from her flat. Fuck, this man was going to live two blocks from him. He could read his entire story in a second; rich parents who never told him no, had never received a drop of criticism in his life and was now moving into some hip metropolitan city for cheap drugs and parties. How was Feferi friends with him? A better question, since VK’s flat was a single-bedroom, how the fuck was she sleeping with a guy like this? But his expression had cracked through a thick layer of something else. His feigned confidence was overshadowed by general look of illness, which was apparent in his pale complexion, dark circles, and the tiny drops of sweat beading on his forehead. As Sollux helped Feferi carry her luggage, he noticed the other man really looked like death in striped trousers and purple-streaked hair. His clothing could strategically hide his figure of total skin and bone only when he stood still. When he moved his arms, turned his head around, or bent down to pick up bags, his protruding bones were evident. Sollux recalled in the email Feferi had sent him that there was something to do with this Eridan character being ill. He couldn’t exactly remember what.

Besides his name, Eridan hadn’t said a word the entire time in Sollux’s car as he drove them from the station to their new home. He was paying an alarmingly little amount of attention to the friend he was meeting for the first time, Eridan’s pallor being increasingly distracting. Feferi was talking constantly, barely giving anyone a chance to respond with more than a one-word agreement. Karkat to his left was silently fuming, though he too was far more interested in observing the apparently ailing man. It was a rather sick fascination as they tried to dream up what could have been wrong with him. They were halfway home when Karkat was giving Eridan a hard glare in the rearview mirror.

“Fuck, mate, are you feeling okay? You look horrible,” he growled in between Feferi’s blabbering. He never could hold in a comment for too long. Eridan’s face had been a look of indifference the whole time, but his eyes narrowed, groomed brows arching and top lip curling dangerously as if to bare a set of fangs.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he replied with a clenched jaw and the most acidic tone Sollux thought was possible. Right there was the moment Sollux decided on his opinion toward Eridan Ampora, as his suspicions on him being an asshole came true. Although, generally people didn’t enjoy being told they looked horrible, and KK had a tendency to offend basically everybody. Maybe he was just a bit defensive.

“Eridan, it’s okay,” Feferi said in a hushed tone and grasped his hand. Instantly he crumbled, face softening and body sinking into the seat. He looked at her, his gray eyes wide and he mumbled an apology.

Dear god, no, this was even worse. He couldn’t even stick to a conviction. First, he was an arrogant tool, then he shirked away like a frightened animal the second anyone said anything. Sollux wondered what he had gotten himself into.

After that day, nobody saw much of Eridan. Feferi and him had moved into their new flat without issue, and she had met most of his friends, but Eridan never came with her to a bar or a club, no matter how many times she invited him. If Sollux felt any concern at all for the arrogant prick, he would wonder why the apparent sickness was going on week after week.

“Yeah, but is it like, terminal? He really looks awful.” The question was posed purely out of curiosity, though had the answer been yes, he may have had to feel some guilt.

Feferi laughed somewhat too lightheartedly as she put down the wooden tiles spelling “BUOY” on the board at her kitchen table. “No, it’s nothing like that.”

The silence stretched between them as Sollux gave her an expectant look for more information. “So, um... What is it?”

Her face fell and she looked down as if she were expecting him to question further. “It’s really only our business, Sollux. But he’s not dying. I don’t...” She trailed off on uncertainty and got out of her chair noisily when she saw him in the doorway of the bedroom. Sollux turned around to see him walking groggily into the kitchen and began searching the top cupboards. She was at his aid, taking something small from the top shelf and placing it on the counter. There wasn’t a word between them as she fetched a carton of pure orange juice and a glass, pouring some out along with whatever was taken from the top shelf. Ampora looked ghastly, perhaps even whiter than Sollux had seen him before, sweat literally running down his face. But he didn’t look fazed; in fact, he looked entirely bored as he gulped down the glass of juice. He was fully dressed, wearing loose jeans and a black T-shirt with an epically bad illustration of a wizard on it. He doesn’t even acknowledge Sollux and it takes him a minute to recognize the stale smell of marijuana on him. Feferi kissed him on the cheek before he skulked back off to his room, closing the door.

“You sure he’s not dying?” Sollux asked again.

She never answered, only sitting down and returning to the game. Once they finished, Sollux left without saying goodbye, stepping into the rain and returning home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My co-writer and I have decided to post a chapter every Sunday night so we don't fall behind on writing. When the entire story is finished, posting will probably happen faster. Also, you're going to have to put up with a bit of Eridan/Feferi for now. Sorry about that. All in due time.

_“When does it get better, Fef? When does all this shit stop and I feel like me again?”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_“I can’t remember feeling good anymore. God, where the fuck have I been? The world’s moved on without me. You dropped out of school for me and I didn’t even fucking know about it.”_

_“It’s okay.”_

_“No it’s not, and you know it. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know who I am. I’m not_ here _.”_

**May 10, 2008, 14:00 – Eridan and Feferi’s Flat ******

Teenagers used this stuff to relax and to feel happy. It’s musty poison as far as he’s concerned, filling his lungs with sticky clouds only to blow them out, polluting the room. His eyes red and watering, he wondered how everything else in the room wasn’t melting around him. It was humid, then again, he always felt humid no matter what the weather was. Sometimes it was hot, but usually it was cold, and he pulled his jumper tighter around himself, bottom lip quivering. The last joint was out in the ashtray and he sat in the middle of the bed confident he couldn’t stand anymore of the drug. He was completely still, staring at the patterns on the sheets, studying every angle of every line on the print. It was not entertaining. He could remember a time when it would have been.

The door opened and a familiar face poked inside.

“Eridan?” Feferi asked, seeing if he was conscious.

He looked up from the patterns to her face for an answer.

“I’m going to work, and I’ll be back by ten-thirty. Do you need me to pick up anything on the way back?”

He considered the question, realizing it was a pointless one, and shakes his head in response. She left silently and he returned to his patterns. He was so bored. It was always the conclusion, but he was too weak and afraid to show his face to go outside. He didn’t need people gawking at him on the street, or whispering to one another about how ill that man looked. He supposed he could leave the room to watch television, but whenever he did that, he could never settle on something interesting. It was as meaningful as looking at the prints on fucking bed sheets. There was no difference.

He sighed in defeat at the ceiling and flopped down on his back. He couldn’t do anything. He wondered if he could will the shakes back into his body so at least he could feel something. Whatever this prescribed anti-depressant, mood-stabilizing bullshit his psychiatrist told him to take wasn’t working. His body was too damaged. He had done it to himself.

He sat back up quickly. That was it. He was going mad in this place, and all the staring and giggling from strangers wasn’t going to stop him from getting out. He stood up, stretching his limbs and feeling slightly dizzy from the hash. He stumbled into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were bloodshot, which he expected, and wishfully thinking, he figured they distracted from the dark circles. He opened the cabinet, spotting some of Feferi’s makeup products. This was pathetic, he thought, but took out the small jar of concealer and opened the lid. He would be much too pale for this, but after he smoothed some of the product on under his eyes, it looked marginally better. He considered his reflection, thinking more could be done. With high cheekbones and a perfectly angled jaw line, he wondered if going for the full androgynous look would benefit him in any way. Remembering his objective of not trying to attract attention, he abandoned the idea and wiped away the slight amount of sweat that was beading on his forehead.

Before leaving, he took a dose of what Feferi called his “Just in Case” medication. He had managed to go an entire week without it, but he wasn’t taking any chances by going outside. He swallowed a couple iron pills as well, the anemia being the reason it was hard for him to get healthy in his state. He would chuckle at the sentiment of “getting healthy”. Feferi really did try. He was as healthy as he could get.

It was a temperate May day, drizzling slightly, but he was still bundled tightly in his jumper and raincoat. He didn’t know where he was going. He had ten pounds in his pocket and didn’t have any idea where anything was. Apparently Sheffield was a bigger city than Southend, but where they were looked the same as the street he lived on at home. It wasn’t suburban by any right with a dance club and a couple pubs, but the traffic was nothing compared to the downtown area. Or so he heard. He walked into a corner shop, bell jingling behind him. The shopkeeper didn’t pay him any attention – thank god – as he moved to the magazine racks, pretending to browse titles. It was all the same shit that was on TV but with glossy pictures.

“Pack of Mayfair Kings, please.”

His eyebrow twitched. Right, everyone here was Northern. He wasn’t used to that accent. Still, he glanced up to the man at the counter and it was Sollux Captor looking right back at him. He could feel the blood making a weak effort to rush to his face and he directed his gaze to the floor and back to the magazines. He felt a hand on his shoulder and Sollux was looking at him. He simply motioned with his head to follow him. Eridan nearly protested, but followed him out of the shop out onto the sidewalk.

“Okay, I know FF wouldn’t really want you out because you seem so deathly ill.”

He was shocked and his mouth opened to retaliate but he could only sputter. Sollux took the plastic off his new pack of smokes and shoved the garbage in his pocket.

“But I get you’re probably bored out of your skull, but please don’t walk back into that shop ever again. It’s for your own good.”

Sollux began walking and Eridan stood dumbstruck before following after him. “Wait, what? What the fuck are you talkin’ about?”

“If you want to get mugged, you would be in there for more than thirty seconds. It’s a festering open sore for chavs, I’ll tell you that. Bubbling cesspool of the lowest dirt.”

“Oh, so I couldn’t handle the presence a some school children, is that what you’re sayin’?”

Sollux turns to face him and for the first time, Eridan notices his completely fucked up eyes. His one pupil is swollen, almost completely devouring any colour in it. “No, what I’m saying is that you should either go home now or come over for a bit. You don’t know anybody else here and local people don’t tend to like Southern fairies coming in out of nowhere. Not to mention by the way you smell, you’ve probably smoked the entire city’s hash supply.”

Eridan’s eyes narrowed with suspicion. He could swear the first time they had met, Sollux hated him with every fibre in his being. “Are you tryin’ to pick me up or somethin’?”

Sollux scoffs. “No, I just pity you and it probably sucks being cooped up inside when you’re as horribly sick as you are.” He walks away and Eridan follows, accepting the invitation.

“What do you mean, horribly sick? I’m not horribly sick. If you’re referrin’ to how I look, I’ve always looked this way.”

He didn’t react. “Well, Feferi seemed concerned, but apparently you’re not dying. Or you are and she didn’t want to say.”

He had to grab Sollux’s shoulder in a moment of panic and they both stop. The mismatched eyes looked back at him indifferently.

“What’d she say?” His voice was quiet, his gaze hard and demanding.

“Nothing specific.” Sollux shrugs away and crosses his arms. “Look, I’m not judging. I’m just saying, come over, you can meet my girlfriend so you can maybe get somewhat socialized. You know two people in this town, and Karkat is not a good one to have on the list.”

He didn’t have to question Sollux’s claim that he pitied him. His visit was short, albeit pleasant and certainly better than hanging around at home. He had to admit Aradia was sweet, and spent most of the time talking to her rather than Sollux. He wondered why they were together; they didn’t seem alike in any way. She studied archeology and he computer sciences, and she seemed some sort of perfect beauty while Sollux looked like he had never seen hair gel in his life. He was thin, and she was athletic, he was sarcastic and she was sincere. The moment he saw the connection was when Sollux remarked on something related to World of Warcraft and she answered back with words that didn’t sound like English to him. So they were both nerds. It made sense.

“Is Karkat still living with Gamzee?” Aradia asks as she stirs a spoonful of sugar into her tea. She glances over to Sollux curled up in an armchair, typing furiously on his laptop. His pace doesn’t slow down as he responds. “Yes, and unfortunately everyone else has to hear about it.” Eridan’s gaze shifts between both of them and Aradia giggles.

“See, Gamzee is not a very responsible flat mate for someone as high-maintenance as Karkat. He doesn’t exactly have a permanent job, either–“

“He’s a drug dealer, and a really shitty one at that,” Sollux says flatly, cutting her off. “Example, a couple months ago, I ask him for a couple grams, just for a Friday night and I talked him into getting it for free. I was really just proving a point, he is a terrible dealer.” His fingers stop for a moment and his eyebrows knit together. “I don’t understand that. It’s not like he’s ever done anything with his life. Just sort of floats by with Karkat paying most of the rent. Pretty much a waste of space.”

“They’re still best friends,” Aradia argued, blowing into her mug, the steam rolling out over the top. “Maybe Gamzee’s just having a bit of a hard time.”

Sollux scoffed, finally looking up from the screen. “Okay, I love Gamzee, we all do, but soon I’m going to be tearing my hair out from watching Karkat tear his hair out over all this. He’s doing it now, I’ve stopped replying to him. And bullshit Gamzee’s having a hard time, he’s never had a bad time in his life.”

Aradia put her hands up as if to surrender. “Well, it’s really between them, isn’t it?”

“There’s no reason why he can’t at least make a fucking effort, you know?” Sollux sighed, typing one last thing and shutting his laptop. “He’s a leech, even if he doesn’t intend it. He needs to get on with his life.”

The room was silent as Eridan stared at his hands, Sollux’s words echoing in his head. He didn’t know why they had resonated with him, but he was suddenly feeling uncomfortable. His stomach churned and a chill went his spine and washed over his face.

“Are you okay? You just went really pale,” Aradia remarked.

His head jerked up and his eyes went wide. “Oh, yeah, I’m- I’m fine.” He tried to think of something to do as his head was telling him, run, get out of there. He had no idea why. 

“Yeah, yeah, it’s fine, I just think I should get goin’.” He stood up, his legs wobbling slightly. “Uh, thanks for the tea. I’ll see you round.”

“Nice to meet you Eridan!” Aradia offered as he found his way out. Closing the door behind him, he sped down the hall, practically galloping over the stairs. What was his fucking problem? As he stepped outside into the pouring rain, he pulled the collar of his coat up, useless as it was. He could remember the way home, since it was only two blocks, trainers smacking through shallow puddles. No doubt he had just creeped out the only two people he could call something remotely close to acquaintances. But Sollux’s words were starting to make sense in his head now.

_Get your life together. Aw fuck, you’re not sick, you absolute cunt, you’re just fuckin’ bored._

**September 4, 2008, 17:20 – Eridan and Feferi’s Flat**

He had done well in the past few months. Feferi had noticed him gradually becoming less of a recluse, slowly regaining a natural flush in his skin and a few pounds on his skeleton-like physique. He started off speaking to her more, filling their evenings with light conversation instead of the usual dreary silence that hung around them. Like she had told him once, it would only take time. He never said it, but it was in fact an incredibly useless thing to say. He could take all the time in the world and not change a bit. Had he not picked up a fucking book and jogged his mind with tales of wizards and hobbits and elves, he would have been the same. He had given himself something to accomplish, reading the entire series of Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings series, something to actually live for. It grew from there. For a month, while still being racked with occasional cold sweats and pains, he just read. He wasn’t smoking weed to kill the boredom, just a pack of Mayfairs a day while pouring over whatever Feferi had taken with her from home. He had read her bloody textbooks.

The first time he went out with her in public was to the pub down the road across from Sollux and Aradia’s place. He had never really done it before. They drank and drank that night, one glass of something containing hard liquor after another. His recovery, he understood, would never truly be over, he quickly found out after a night full of fitful nightmares and fire in his blood. He awoke next to Feferi forcefully pinning him down, calming him slowly to leave for his medication. He had been without any physical symptoms for over a week at that point, his spirit unclouded for the first time in years. The short suspended phase of contentment disappeared in one night, but the awful feeling afterwards didn’t last so long. It wasn’t too huge of a failure.

Willpower was something he was sure he had lost long ago, but in the following months, he had made an improvement. Feferi said he had looked “radiant” after his old pallor had been splashed with a light wash of healthy pink. His figure had filled out more, soft flesh replacing taut, tough skin. He cut his hair and broke out some of his old clothes, a royal catastrophe of a violet, navy and black pallet in the form of drainpipes, Chelsea boots and collared shirts. He dressed like a big bruise, Karkat had grumbled. A big hipstery bruise, but he wouldn’t change it for anything.

He wasn’t sure when there would be a breaking point, as he was certain his contentedness wouldn’t last.

She came home early that night. The door slammed open and she was there, tears streaming down her face as if everything she was holding in on the ride home came spilling out. Eridan looked at her in disbelief and got up to embrace her, closing the door behind them. She sobbed into her shirt and he could only hold her shaking figure. He didn’t say anything, guiding her to the couch until her crying reduced to a slight sniffle. 

“The company shut down. Just like that,” she mumbled. As he frowns, she continues. “I had no idea they were going down, but everyone lost their jobs. This recession is serious.” She choked out another sob and he hugged her again.

“We’ll be fine for a while. I have my savings and if we have to, my parents can help. Just...” She pulled away from him, wiping at her eyes. “I can’t believe it happened to me. I thought this move would be a good thing. When I got a job here, and knowing Sollux, it seemed like this was perfect. Perfect to start a new life.”

“There’s nothin’ you could do, Fef.” His arm was around her shoulders as they sank into the sofa, and he stared at her worried, unsure of what he was supposed to do. It seemed it was the first time the roles had switched. “And believe me, you were right, this was better for me.”

“I know. This is the first time I’ve seen you with colour in your face.” They laugh together and then become silent. She lays her head on his chest, a hand on his stomach.

“And you know, I’ve got that interview next week, who knows, maybe we don’t need to use your savings. God knows I’ve leeched off you long enough.”

“You needed the support.”

“And you need it now.” He looks down at her and her face softens. “We need each other sometimes, Fef. You an’ me.”

She smiles, and his heart rises in his chest. Even through her tears, she had a lovely smile. Her hand slinked up his stomach to his chest, her head tilting up to brush the smallest, most innocent of kisses on his lips. A simple gesture, they had done this when they were children. It was done out of a mutual affection, sweetly expressing just what the other meant to them. And he had needed Fef. She was the only one who could see anything good in him and that he was someone worth holding onto. She was his best friend, but never had he felt the desire to do what she was giving him now. She kissed him with what could only be called desperation. As some of the moisture from her tears transferred onto his face, he gave back everything. He held the back of her head, a hand on her thigh while she clung to him. She brought them closer with an arm around his neck, their bodies shifting, friction where their chests touched. Eridan felt a prickle in his chest and pulled away from her. His eyes opened, his head murky, and saw her, heavy lidded gaze looking through him, his lips parted in want. Blinking, she snapped out of it, eyes wide with alarm.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed.

“Don’t be.” His hand was still gripping her thigh, and with a mind of its own, the thumb began to make small circles. Feferi blushes, her expression unchanging.

“It could just be a one-night thing,” she blurted.

“What? No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Then why is your hand still there?”

“You’re stressed out, you’re not thinking too clearly right now.”

Her deer-in-headlights appearance disappears completely and her face darkens. Her mouth his near his neck, seducing him, but his hand hasn’t moved. “Exactly. Neither are you. And you’re not thinking that we’re going to bed tonight without this being a problem.” She could only afford a one-bedroom place with him out of work. Sharing a bed had never been an issue. With his head clearer than it had been, some more human responses could take place.

“We’ve had a tough year. I think we deserve it.”

His hand returned to his side and he sits up, pulling away from her. She looked away, taking off her shoes. The only sound was the cars outside and the ticking of the clock on the wall. The room felt suddenly much larger than it was.

“I’m not sayin’ no. I’m just not sure, Fef. I don’t know exactly what you want outta me, or what’s gonna happen after.”

She scrunches her toes and holds her elbows. “I just want to feel better and not think about how shitty this situation is. How shitty we’ve both had it for the past years. You know, just for a few hours and we’ll wake up and have to deal with it all over again. But for just those few hours, forget about everything.”

“You know, in my experience, that just leaves you feeling even worse down the road.”

“That’s not what this is about. That’s different, holy shit Eridan, you honestly think it compares to that?”

He raised an eyebrow at her, but he wasn’t offended.

“You kissed me back. Your hand was up my leg. You haven’t had a girlfriend since you were sixteen, and I don’t know who you’ve been with since then. It’s obvious.”

“Is it?” Her hand touched his and his heart sank. God, he wanted to, but he was too worried. He looked down and then over, starting at her knees and slowly up the curves of her body. He moved in to kiss her gently, hands on her waist and a new sensation overtook him. A desire for flesh, a calming voice in his head saying, yes, forget about it. He knew she was right, he wanted to believe her so much. There was nothing more freeing than sex, nothing that could take one’s mind off of everything. Nothing else so primal could be so focused. Their kisses intensified quickly, all doubt erasing, nothing to hold them back. He hadn’t realized how much he missed the heat of another’s skin, feeling the pull in his gut that urged him forward, the removal of clothing, sweat, teeth, tongues, the pure drive and need to get closer than before. The scratches from fingernails raking up his back. The bruises across her collarbone from his mouth. And when he held her afterwards, his head was filled only with a dull buzzing, winding down into a peaceful slumber.

In the morning, it felt like the events of the previous night were a dream, vague memories of gasps and moans dancing on the edge of his mind. He was awoken by the sound of rain heavily hitting the window and the low rumble of thunder in the distance. Enough light shone through, illuminating the bedroom in pale blue. His arm was around Feferi’s waist, resting on the curve of her stomach. Her hand touched his and their fingers entwined.

“So what do you think?” she mumbled sleepily.

He didn’t reply, doing his best to focus on the room without his glasses. “Good morning?”

Her body shook with silent laughter. “Don’t worry, I’m not in love with you or anything.”

“Do you think we could make this work, though? Not be lovers but still...?”

She shushed him and shifted her shoulders. “I’m not done forgetting about everything yet.”

 

**July 15, 2005, 21:30 – near Westcliff Beach, Southend-on-Sea**

The sea was always inviting. As he watched the last of the light fade away in the sky, Eridan drew his coat near. The first of few stars began to dot the sky between clouds, the sound of the sea around him. He was far enough from the city to block out any of the urban noises, the repetition of waves brushing over sand, the only sound he wanted in his head. The smell of salt filled his lungs as he took a deep breath. He wondered if he could stay in that location forever, and to forget about all that had happened in the past week – his entire life. He could forget about being kicked out, forget about his mother striking him across the face in a drunken stupor and forget not reacting with more than a shrug. He had expected it; in fact, he wondered why he hadn’t left on his own any sooner. There was nothing left for him. Fef had gone off to university, undoubtedly having boys falling at her feet and getting high grades, and he simply wasn’t meant for that. All he had was the sea and the thrill of the daily struggle for survival.

For some reason, other people didn’t do this. In the last week alone, he had discovered the absolute joys of living. There was something about poking around the city for a place to sleep or stealing whatever food you could shove in your pockets from a shop. The biggest joy was finding some idiotic tourist’s wallet chock-full of too many pound notes, which was what he held close to his chest at that moment. Stanley Chesley was his name. American. He was from a Southern state by the sound of him when Eridan had “accidentally” bumped into him on the pier, snatching the cheap leather wallet from his back pocket. He did feel bad at the time, but he was the one with the problem. That man was on vacation in an incredibly unimpressive city, he would be fine.

Eridan sat in the sand, for once content and not longing for what got him kicked out in the first place. It was a weird feeling. He felt almost normal without the shaking, sweating, itching for it. The feeling that started in the pit of his stomach and spread throughout his body making him feel unbelievably heavy and miserable. The doctor said he had been suffering a major depressive episode; his parents said he had nothing to be depressed about and left him untreated and feeling even worse about himself. He didn’t know why they had been so surprised after watching him skip so much school, or go out to parties with a questionable crowd so often. They told him to stop being so down all the time, to cheer up, don’t feel so low.

He lay on his back, deciding the beach would be the perfect place for him to sleep that night. He knew the tide never reached where he was, but suddenly the thought of letting it creep up on him unconscious was appealing. If he could drown in his sleep, would it really matter? He wouldn’t even know about it, being in a deep slumber while the sea crept up his body and slowly filled his lungs. It would be an accident. Some random lowlife sleeping on the beach and drowning because, fuck, only they would be so stupid. He had to abandon the bordering suicidal thoughts as he closed his eyes. There was no need to make rash decisions, as this was the best he had felt in years without any kind of help. Just the sea, the sand, and whatever loomed on the horizon of tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late, it's Canada Day. Also doing the HTML after that much wine was probably not a good idea.

**July 10th, 2010 21:30 – Sollux and Karkat’s flat**

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering twinarmaggedons [TA] \--

TA: what.  
CA: wwoww wwhat crawled up your ass sol?  
CA: cant a guy just be makin casual convversation wwith his mate?  
TA: holy 2hiit what do you want.   
CA: fine. fef an i were just goin out to the club by your place for a show.  
CA: supposed to be the next big fuckin thing in british pop but probably somethin completely shit.  
CA: as usual.  
CA: maybe you’d like to come since you’d probably be hearing it from yours anywway.  
TA: well whiile the iidea of playiing awkward thiird wheel two you two as you bliindly grope eachother iin that fuckiing horriible club 2ounds iincrediibly entiicing iim goiing to have to pa22.   
CA: subtlety doesn’t exist in your wworld does it?  
TA: not really.   
CA: and it wwont be like that  
CA: fuck  
CA: i’m only asking because she wwanted me to  
TA: well that2 sweet.  
TA: but no.  
CA: busy night of hanging wwith kar  
CA: sounds like loads a bloody fun  
TA: fuckiing riight iit doe2.   
CA: fine. you know wwhere to find us if you go changin your mind.

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering twinarmaggedons [TA] \--

Karkat has been living with him for a few months now. At the time he moved in, he tried to make it sound like he was doing it out of kindness for his friend, but it was obvious he was slowly being forced out of his old place with Gamzee. The man hadn’t been making rent and Karkat was tired of spotting him. Weed dealing only did so much when one actually dealt it more than smoked it for themselves.

Sollux sighs and opens up a new browser. He stares blankly at the screen as his fingers seem to automatically click on the sites he frequents. Forum after forum, and there’s nothing there. His pesterlog is blinking at the bottom corner of the screen but he doesn’t notice it. It’s probably just Eridan again. He frowns and wonders why they wanted him to hang out with them in the first place. They know that once the sun went down and he wasn’t already out, he wasn’t going anywhere so long as the internet was still connected. He sighs and heeds the call of the pesterlog, seeing Karkat speaking to him in his usual all-caps, dull gray font.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] \--

CG: YO CAPTOR.  
CG: ...  
CG: CAPTOR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL SKIN YOU FUCKING ANSWER ME.  
TA: je2u2 fuck kk iim in the next room.  
CG: SEE HOW MANY FUCKS I GIVE? SERIOUSLY LOOK AT THEM ALL UP IN HERE.  
CG: ANYWAY YOU’VE BEEN IN THAT ROOM FOR THE PAST THREE DAYS.  
CG: I’M STARTING TO THINK THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG. AND WHY THE HELL IS YOUR BOYFRIEND PESTERING ME ABOUT YOU BEING A TOTAL PRICK. LIKE I DIDNT ALREADY KNOW.  
TA: nothiing2 wrong.  
TA: ii diidnt want to go to 2ome 2hiity 2how he and ff were goiing two.  
CG: WELL I UNDERSTAND THAT. YOU KNOW I DONT LIKE TO GET ALL UP IN YOUR PERSONAL MATTERS AND SHIT BECAUSE THATS LIKE A DARK DUSTY SPIDER-FILLED CREVASS NOBODY SHOULD EVER VENTURE INTO.  
CG: OR IS THAT JUST VRISKA.  
TA: chrii2t.  
CG: NOT THE POINT  
CG: POINT IS IM TRYING TO DO THAT FRIEND THING AND SEE IF YOU’RE OKAY  
CG: BECAUSE ITS A SATURDAY FUCKING NIGHT AND I’D THINK YOU’D AT LEAST BE OUT TRYING TO SHAG SOME FACELESS CHICK WHO LEAVES YOU BEFORE YOUR HUNGOVER ASS EVEN ATTEMPTS TO ROLL OUT OF BED.  
CG: AND MAYBE NEXT TIME COULD YOU MAKE SURE SHE DOESNT SCREAM BLOODY MURDER OR AT LEAST STICK SOMETHING IN HER MOUTH  
CG: WHATEVER THAT MAY BE.  
TA: there ii2 2o much wrong wiith thii2 conver2atiion riight now holy FUCK.  
CG: WELL IT HAD TO BE SAID.  
CG: JUST OUT OF RESPECT FOR YOUR FLATMATE.  
TA: iim fiine 2eriiou2ly.  
TA: can ii not have a niight iin wiithout everyone fliipiing the fuck out.  
TA: iin fact iim busy riight now.  
CG: OH BULLSHIT CAPTOR  
CG: YOU KNOW I DONT REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING IN THERE BUT I CAN FEEL SOMETHINGS NOT RIGHT LIKE ITS RADIATING THROUGH THE GODDAMN WALLS AND I WILL NOT HAVE YOU WALLOWING IN SELF-PITY ON A SATURDAY FUCKING NIGHT.  
CG: NOBODY DOES THAT.  
TA: dont bother there2 nothiing to 2ee.  
TA: just go get a beer or 2omethiing.  
CG: COMING IN THERE MAKE YOURSELF DECENT.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA] \--

Surely enough, Karkat bursts through the door almost immediately after his last message. He sighs and shakes his head at Sollux who is lying face down on his bed, hair mussed up, clothes the same ones from three days ago, while empty packets of crisps and energy drink cans litter the room. Like an irritated mother, Karkat glares at Sollux’s mess, but he pays him no mind. The glare fades from Karkat’s face and he caves in, sitting down next to Sollux on the bed.

“Something’s fucking bugging you, I know it is. I can smell your unwashed grease mop of a head from here.”

Sollux grumbles and closes his laptop. “What is this, some sort of therapy session?”

Karkat groans in defeat and lays down, his face in his hands. “Look, if there’s something I can do to make you feel better, tell me. I just hate to see you go spiraling down that path of depression. I watched it once, Captor, I think it’s in everyone’s best interest that it doesn’t happen ever again.”

Sollux cocks an eyebrow. “You think that’s how it works? That you can just prevent it from happening again by being all fucking happy all the time? Believe me, I’d love to be happy again right now.”

Karkat throws his arms in the air, letting them fall down to his sides, one across Sollux’s knees. “There, you finally fucking admitted it. Something had to have triggered it.”

He takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. “Close,” he mumbles. “That’s not necessarily always true, but if you’re not leaving until you beat it out of me, yeah, there was something this time.”

“And what was that?”

He bites his lip to stop from shaking and exhales deeply. “Aradia’s seeing someone else.”

“Ah, so we’re getting somewhere. Obviously you know what I’m going to say to just that, so go on. Who is it?”

“Equius fucking Zahhak.”

A whistle and Karkat sits up. “Okay, I can understand where you’re coming from.”

“For once it’s not about me being jealous over her. It’s that she goes with him at all that pisses me off. I mean, he’s...” He couldn’t begin.

“A steroid-infused, jacked-up, brainless twat? A racist, blundering, arrogant miserable idiot?”

Sollux nods in agreement. “And she’s smart. And nice and lovely, and–“

Karkat lightly grabs the back of his neck to make him stop. “Okay, there’s no use staying in here and dwelling on it. Get cleaned up, we’re going to that show.”

“What, seriously?”

“Yes, Captor, we are shaking out your bones and making you go somewhere much bigger where you can run around and get some fresh air.”

Removing his glasses, Sollux rubs his tired eyes and drums his fingers on the edge of his laptop. “But you hate Eridan, they’re going to be there.”

“No fucking excuses, Captor, get the fuck up,” Karkat snaps, grabbing him by the waist and lifting him with an unexpected strength. He somewhat cooperates by sitting up. “Forget they asked you. Think of it as me asking you, oh, hey, Sollux. There’s this incredibly shitty Oasis cover band playing across the street and we’re fucking going to it because it’s too late to go downtown and you need to get out of your room and get fucked up. Here.” Karkat digs his hands in his pockets and pulls out a small plastic bag full of small blue pills. “This is out little secret, okay? Sometimes Gamzee’s habits rub off on you. And by habits, I mean what he was supposed to be doing to pay rent, and of curse you know how well that worked out.”

Sollux’s eyebrows rise in genuine surprise. “Jesus, KK. How much you make off that?”

He shrugs. “It depends where we go. I will overcharge the fuck out of these retards across the street. It’s all those fucking rich kids from the private school with fake IDs and no idea how much this shit really is.”

He has to chuckle as he stands up. He still isn’t convinced, and Karkat sees it. He sighs. “Okay, if you go scrub the collective three-day grime off yourself and come with me down the club, you get one on the house, yeah?”

“Deal.”

The shower feels good, he cannot deny that, and Sollux is in his bedroom rooting around his dresser drawers for the right black T-shirt.

“Hey, these kids won’t buy anything from anyone, do I look like a drug dealer yet?”

Sollux turns around to see Karkat in his doorway, messy hair combed, clad in a leather jacket, a white collared shirt, tight trousers and pointed shoes. His expression shows he is not proud of what he’s wearing and he crosses his arms, the barely-worn leather squeaking. “I take your stupid fucking laugh as a yes?”

“Yeah, it’s fine, just, do you weigh seven stones yet, mate?”

Karkat rolls his eyes and walks away, clearly not used to the tighter clothing making his small build look even smaller. He was barely five and half feet tall, though the boots added a good half-inch. Soon enough Sollux is dressed, pulling on his mismatched high tops (“How the fuck do you get laid wearing something like that, Captor?”) and they saunter across the street where they can already hear the noise from the bar. Before they enter, Karkat gives Sollux a single pill and he slips it under his tongue feeling it slowly start to dissolve. Already the club is filled with people Sollux suspects will drive Karkat up the wall by simply looking at them. There’s mostly people freshly turned eighteen wearing khaki trousers and polo shirts and he can feel the heated irritation coming off his friend in waves. But once they get inside the dimly lit club, he sees Karkat taking off, snaking his way through the crowds, quickly dealing his merchandise; a handshake here, the flash of pound notes there, and Sollux is at the bar, eyes scanning for anyone else he knows. He feels a tap at his back and turns around to see Feferi’s smiling face. Her eyes are heavily lined with black, something he would never expect to see her wear.

“Hey Sollux!” she chirps and embraces him in a tight hug as he turns around. “Good to see you came. Did Karkat drag you out?”

With a smile, Sollux says, “Yeah, funny enough. I think he really took one for the team this time. But I guess he’s making a profit.” He can feel that last of the pill disappear in his mouth. Only a few minutes and he can fucking lose it and forget about everything bothering him. No more thought of Equius or Aradia – fuck, why would they ever like each other? – and just sink into a fucking hole, roll on some good waves and come out of it with nothing more than a headache in the morning. This wasn’t Strider’s drug of choice, which he and Karkat had ignorantly given a try at his last house party. The fucker had purposely given them too much, knowing Sollux would trust anyone giving him a discount on the stuff. It hadn’t ended well; Karkat stood on the street screaming nonsense up at the window to Strider’s poor housemate crying over her recent breakup, and Sollux had ran off somewhere he couldn’t remember only to be picked up at four in the morning by a very irritated Aradia. The next morning was absolute hell, all nosebleeds and something that wasn’t a migraine, but sure as fuck felt just as bad.

“Let me guess, you scored?” Eridan is at his side, still drinking his fucking Guinness and wearing a horribly presumptuous smirk on his face. “Don’t know why they call in scorin’. You never really win anythin’ at all. Not fuckin’ hard to find drugs anywhere, really, not like you aren’t payin’ ridiculous shit for ‘em.”  
He meanders through his sentences, dropping G’s and using probably too many words for coherency’s sake, and fuck, why is he thinking about how he talks? It wasn’t even his accent (was it?), Sollux thinks, his mind becoming fuzzy, but he grins stupidly at Eridan. “Talk to KK, yeah? He’s got shit. He’s got good shit.”

His pretentious fucking smirk becomes a pretentious fucking laugh. “Nah, don’t really want to be poisonin’ my mind tonight.” Within a minute (something like that) he inevitably fucks off looking for Karkat. If the band playing were any good, he never would have known because of the beautiful high he was experiencing. The wonderful thing about MDMA, Sollux had found, was that even though it made him happy, it didn’t make him stupid like an excessive amount of grass did. It was a comfortable middle ground where everything was good and he wasn’t a complete retard. Everything made sense and none of it mattered. He wondered sometimes if Gamzee was always in a constant state of rolling because that motherfucker seemed pretty much at peace.

Sometimes he thought if Feferi had ever taken E’s, her existing bubbly personality may just escalate into something entirely fucking unworldly. He asks Eridan about twelve times that night if she was as high as they were, but he doesn’t know. It’s like she’s on another plain of existence, and how somebody could always come off so cheerful when life around the entire world was doing nothing but sliding out of view was incredible. Sollux knows his life is going nowhere, and somewhere in the feeling of utter fucking euphoria is the nagging existential thoughts, although they don’t depress him.

“Jesus Christ, why is everyone here, are there no other places to hang out in this fucking town?”

Karkat is snarling next to him (when did he get there?) and looking out over the crowd of dancing bodies to the band playing on stage. Sollux is in no good state of mind to judge their quality. He can spot Kanaya and Vriska dancing together, arms at each other’s waists. Fucking happy couples.

“Didn’t think I’d have to say this, but with this being the meeting ground of everyone in our shitty lives, but what will we do if we see Equius and Aradia? What will be our course of action if we see those two flaunting their happiness about, with Aradia beaming in your face about how such great friends you are while that brick shithouse has got his hands all over her?”

Sollux grins, finding Karkat’s words amusing, though they should have upset him. “Take out the fucking trash, that’s what,” he gleefully exclaims.

Karkat sighs. “No, Captor. You don’t do that. You can’t do that. There is no possible way you can take out the trash. Not in that sense. No, you know what you do with trash? You go find trash at clubs like this, buy it a drink or two, take it home, and stick your dick in it. Then in the morning, while I’m trying to eat my breakfast, the trash comes stumbling out of your room, exchanging an awkward glance with me, and suddenly I lose my appetite. It’s even worse when you come walk-of-shaming your arse back in. And that is the extent of which you deal with trash.”

Sollux only laughs, not getting a word of what Karkat said. “I don’t know why you’re trying to relay paragraphs on me, mate.”

“Nah, I don’t know, either.” His attention is grabbed suddenly as he sees a fight break out on the floor. Kanaya is there, attempting to force herself between Vriska and Eridan. Whatever pathetic attempts they had made at violence were stopped as soon as she stepped in.

“Yeah, can you just fuck off, right?” Eridan snaps over the loud music. “I don’t know what you’re tryin’ to imply.”

Sollux saunters after Karkat who hooks his arm around Eridan’s, giving him a warning look. Vriska grins maliciously.

“I’m just saying people are going to find out one way or another.”

“Yeah, and you’re not supposed to know, so you can stop tryin’ to tell everyone here. There’s no fuckin’ need to blackmail me for anythin’.”

“Are you done?” Kanaya threatens, her voice low, barely loud enough over the music. She’s dressed in a green glittering halter-top, black jeans and red pumps, elongating her already tall, thin frame. Her eyes are lined in a very intimidating fashion, something unusual for her, typically trying to make her eyes look bigger. She stands with her nearly flat chest puffed out, almost as tall as Eridan in her high-heeled shoes. Her dark eyes on her thin face glare at both of them, and she takes Vriska’s hand, leading her away. Vriska is nearly the opposite, dressing in ripped skin-tight jeans, layered shirts under a worn leather jacket, and dyed black hair unkempt. Her lips are painted with a signature dark blue, and they flash a final grin at Eridan as she walks away.

“When do they not fight?” Karkat mumbles.

When he gets home, he’s already starting to come down. Karkat half-drags him down the street, looking pissed off, but certainly pleased with himself. He immediately retreats to his bedroom when they get home and Sollux does the same, collapsing on his bed. He stares at the ceiling, clarity filling his head. After a few minutes, he flips over onto his stomach and opens his laptop. The row between Vriska and Eridan hasn’t left him. He signs into pesterchum, seeing a few names illuminated amongst the other grayed-out names. He clicks Eridan’s.

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering twinarmaggedons [TA] \--

TA: yo what the hell wa2 that all about wiith VK.  
CA: nothin  
CA: seriously nothin dont wwaste your time  
TA: no really.  
TA: iim iintriigued.  
CA: its none a your business  
CA: none a vvris’s business either but she fuckin sticks her nose in it  
TA: okay fiine.  
CA: you were trippin balls i have never seen you so happy  
TA: ii told you. KK ha2 good 2hiit.  
CA: hows the come down  
TA: not two bad. 2tiill feel iinexpliicably happy though.  
CA: wwell as you can see i passed on that shit  
CA: that shits chemical  
CA: like im not talkin fuckin mother natures good green grass here  
CA: that shits not good for you  
TA: wow thank2 mum.  
TA: you know how fuckiing annoyiing you are riight?  
TA: liike ii dont know why ii’m botheriing talkiing two you riight now other than the fact that ii’m 2tiill 2toned.  
CA: you started it sol  
TA: well 2hut up then.  
TA: or ju2t dont 2top talkiing.  
TA: ii dont know.  
CA: youre fucked up and its kinda adorable  
TA: okay now 2hut up.  
TA: and ii fuckiing needed iit.  
TA: you know how AA is datiing equius.  
CA: no i did not knoww that and i can tell you that no part of me gives a shit either  
TA: he2 a total piiece of 2hiit doe2 that iintere2t you?  
CA: how so  
TA: liike thiis guy iis every braiinle22 jock youve ever known.  
CA: really? i thought he built like robots and stuff  
TA: okay maybe he2 not that braiinle22.  
CA: and so what is the point a all this you’re tryin to make?  
TA: he ju2t 2uck2.  
TA: that2 ba2iically iit.  
CA: he sucks because he’s datin your ex girl, thats wwhat im gettin here  
TA: yeah maybe.  
CA: gonna sound like a broken record or karkat by sayin youvve gotta get ovver her sol  
TA: ii am.  
CA: clearly not  
CA: like holy shit has anyone evver taken you seriously when you say that?  
TA: can we not talk about thii2.  
CA: no i think you need to say it  
TA: okay.  
TA: ii’m not jealous of hiim. really. it2 ju2t that it2 a biit iinsultiing that iit2 HIIM out of all people.  
TA: 2he could have hooked up wiith KK for all ii care.  
TA: and plu2 2he hang2 around me all the tiime liike we’re best fuckiing friiends two.  
CA: aha  
CA: there’s somethin  
TA: what?  
CA: obviously you dont actually like her and cant stand when shes around you  
TA: well ii wouldnt say iit liike that.  
CA: admit it sol  
TA: ...  
CA: you fuckin hate wwhen shes around  
CA: like shes there remindin you of all the good times and rubbin it in your face that shes happy and youre not  
TA: okay 2top.  
TA: youre ju2t beiing retarded now.  
CA: but im right  
CA: and youre not wwrong for not wwanting to hang round her  
TA: thii2 ii2 2tupiid. ii feel liike iim talkiing two kk.  
TA: but wiithout the abu2e.  
CA: yeah see how fuckin nice that is for a change?  
CA: how do you livve wwith that?  
TA: hehehehe iive known hiim siince unii 2tarted.  
TA: ii got u2ed two iit.  
TA: iive known aa siince then two.  
CA: ...  
TA: we met liike the fiir2t day and hung out twogether and 2hiit.  
TA: 2he a2ked me out after a whiile.  
TA: and we moved out of tho2e fuckiing 2tupiid dorm2 and liived twogether.  
CA: clearly youre still fucked up because i can tell youre about to get sentimental here  
CA: but go on  
TA: we ju2t 2ort of driifted apart.  
TA: for a whiile ii wanted to marry her but obviiou2ly that wouldnt happen.  
TA: and ii gue22 ii really dont liike her hangiing around.  
TA: fuckiing annoyiing how 2he2 tryiing two be friiend2 and 2hiit.  
TA: yeah iim fucked why am ii telliing you all thii2.  
CA: dont wworry i wont say anythin  
CA: god knows i hate other people blabbin my business  
TA: ii thiink you owe me here. siince ii ju2t spiilled my pathetiic heart out to you.  
CA: yeah its a bit more serious than that sol  
CA: are we sharin our secrets like schoolgirls noww is that it?  
TA: fuck ye2.  
CA: fine  
CA: not like its cheery or anythin  
CA: wwhat vvris wwas threatenin me wwas that shed go tellin evveryone wwhy i was all sick when i first got here.  
TA: how could ii forget.  
CA: i wasnt exactly keen on everyone like kar or gamzee or aradia knownin  
CA: or her because i mean shes a proper bitch  
CA: i wwasnt exactly livving at home before wwe moved here  
TA: well iid thiink not how old were you  
CA: i meant not really livving in A home period  
TA: ...  
CA: wwhen ii was  
CA: nineteen i think  
CA: i left home because i was horribly horribly depressed and wwanted to fuckin die  
CA: and my parents believved i wwas perfectly fine and didnt treatment or anythin  
CA: so i sort of just livved in the city sometimes crashin with mates who more or less kept me alive  
CA: then there wwas the time i actually tried to do it and ended up in hospital  
CA: so fef dropped school to come get me  
CA: after that she moved us awway like i mean she wwas really the only one wwho cared so much about me  
TA: 2hiit ED.  
CA: shit indeed  
TA: well iif ii had known iit was THAT bad ii wouldnt have a2ked.  
CA: i wwouldnt have told you if i didnt trust you wwith it  
CA: i dont think about it much  
CA: it doesnt upset me or anythin  
CA: but if you knoww how people judge you once they knoww about somethin like that holy shit  
TA: ...  
TA: well ii kiinda do.  
CA: then theres nothin to say  
CA: and iim actually exhausted so  
CA: happy come down  
TA: yeah.

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering twinarmaggedons [TA] \--

Silence fills the room as if he was hearing Eridan’s voice in his head the entire time. Sollux only stares at the chat log, skimming over the words again and again. He feels himself fighting to become completely sober, though he figures he needs just a little bit more time to push past the fuzziness into clear thought. He hopes it isn’t true, or that it was a lie, or that for some reason he had been hallucinating or at least misreading the words on the screen. He rubs his eyes and shuts the laptop, curling up on his side, not bothering to undress or get under the covers. There’s no way he can sleep now and he wonders if he should have asked Eridan to stay awake just a bit longer if only to ask him if what he said was really true. He can’t picture it – a teenaged Eridan Ampora looking worn from the dragging effects of depression Sollux knew so well. But being homeless is what he can’t wrap his head around. Eridan always looks well-put together, Sollux thinks, feeling his face heat up marginally. And even when he looked like death, he at least wore a collared shirt and trousers without holes. Hell, he dressed fucking fancy compared to himself.

He doesn’t know what it is when he feels the uncomfortable tightness in his chest and the pulling in his stomach. He flips over, feeling the anxiety creep over him like he has to do something _right now_. What that is, he doesn’t know, but he feels tonight is one of _those_ nights. Those nights where he surfs mindlessly online or paces around or even lies in bed staring at the walls until he passes out. He used to make Aradia suffer with him during this, when he would get up in the night and get back in bed over and over thinking he would be able to sleep. She would wake up and half-consciously whack him in the chest out of irritation unless she woke up completely and simply glared at him. He never missed that about her, and he was sure she didn’t miss it either. But what about Eridan? Eridan...

Yes. Tonight is one of those nights.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little rough due to some problems with my co-writer, and a bit short, but things are revealed.

**July 12, 2010, 6:30 – The Cafe**

“I’m just sayin’, Kan, that I was about to flip my shit.”

“But remember that flipping your shit would most likely attract more attention to yourself.”

Eridan sighs into his mug of steaming black coffee before taking a sip, peering over the rim at Kanaya. She gazes blankly out the window, watching the nearly deserted street. Only she and Eridan are willing to be out this hour, the morning usually being something the others would rather avoid. But this was the one reason why Eridan likes it. It’s peaceful in the near silence of dawn, before the sun rises, everything illuminated in a cold, pale blue glow. The lights in the cafe reflect against the glass, looking like two glowing orbs floating above the street outside. Sometimes he needs the calmness before the rest of the world gets out of bed and everything returns to normal; a busy, choreographed chaos.

“Maybe you’re right. But it’s so inconsiderate, like... She’s not supposed to know about that. You’d think she could learn to keep private things private, right? Instead a just fuckin’ threatenin’ me.” His brow creases in frustration and Kanaya looks down at her hands, her fingers tapping on each other.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be talkin’ about your girlfriend like that.”

Her shoulders shake in silent laughter. “It’s fine, I understand. Sometimes she doesn’t know she’s taking things too far.”

The waitress comes out of the kitchen, placing two plates of toast and eggs in front of them and stalks off with a huff. Before ten to seven, they are usually the only ones in there, much to the annoyance of the younger waitresses who would rather do nothing in the early hours.

“I don’t know how she could think that’s somethin’ to joke about.” He dismisses the topic and bites into his toast plain. “So how’s that thing you’ve got going? That contact in London?”

Her face brightens with a smile and she nods as she swallows her eggs. “Yes! It’s looking good. Just last night I got a text from my agent saying they really liked my portfolio.”

“Good for you, you might just make it out of here some day.” Eridan tries for an optimistic tone, but it ends up sounding darker than he intended. Kanaya has been a freelance model since she was seventeen, and only doing shoots with independent stores for advertising or photographers looking to expand their portfolios. Her day job is hemming trousers in a tailor’s and being bored out of her mind at it. But lately, her modeling career is picking up. And Eridan thinks it bloody well should be. Still, it would mean someone within their small social circle would be becoming successful, a hope that many people around him, himself included, lacked. People were losing jobs all around, good jobs, like Feferi. She had a good paid internship at a local newspaper, which was fucking lucky to begin with considering she dropped out of her journalism classes at university. That was because of him. He could never forget she had left school to take care of him, and though she would never admit it, was suffering because of it.

Kanaya is naturally thin, with sharp features and endless legs. She’s nearly as tall as he is, but insists on wearing high heels to occasionally to marginally surpass his height. Today she wears a long-sleeved deep crimson minidress and gold pumps. She nearly always wears short skirts when it’s warm, but somehow always stands like she’s embarrassed with showing that much skin, always playing with the hem as if to pull it down slightly.

“You know what I don’t get?” she says abruptly, slightly disturbed by the undertones of Eridan’s response. Her large brown eyes stare at him and she cocks her head to the side curiously. “What’s up with you and Feferi?”

He’s caught off guard at the question. “What do you mean ‘what’s up?’”

Her voice deepens and becomes a slow, smooth drawl. “I mean I’ve never understood you two. I’ve known you for a few years now and I’ve never understood how you two have operated.” She finishes her toast and pushes her plate aside. “What’s your story?”

Eridan bites his lower lip nervously and glances at the clock on the wall. “You can barely call it a relationship, okay?” he mutters. “All we do is... fuck and smoke pot, there’s nothing much there. But I love her, she’s my best friend, she saved my life. She’s the only person who’s ever been there for me, so I’m there for her. We were friends since we were kids, and when she went off to university, well, you know where I went.”

Kanaya nods. “But why are you still with her?”

Eridan shrugs. “Obligation? We’re sort of bound together by the forces of the universe or some shit. It’s not _bad_ , we’re not miserable or anythin’.” His last sentence is anything but confident, and Kanaya hears it. “I can’t see myself bein’ with anyone else, though. We’ve been through too much. I’ve put her through too much.”

They sit in silence as the light starts to change outside. The sun is rising, casting the city in a warm, golden glow. Eridan knits his fingers together and rests his chin on them. His hands are devoid of rings for once.

“But there’s another thing,” he says cautiously. “I told Sol about what Vris was talking about last night.”

“Oh? I didn’t know you trusted him that much.”

“Well, that’s the thing. I may have... Not told the entire truth. I sortta skipped over some of the more important details and sold it off as the entire story.”

“So you didn’t trust him?”

“No, I do. I wanted to. It just didn’t come out quite right.”

There’s a look on Kanaya’s face that he can’t quite read. He wants to call it a smirk, but for what, he isn’t sure. She purses her lips together – today they are painted a dark green, her signature – and hesitantly folds her hands on the table. “Well, you’re good at keeping secrets. It’s not like he’s going to find out if you don’t say anything else about it. I barely know anything, and even if you didn’t tell me the whole truth, I wouldn’t be mad.” She adds a nonchalant shrug and his heart sinks. She really was the best friend he had made since moving. They’re still alone in the cafe, and he unbuttons the cuff on his sleeve, rolling the fabric up past his elbow. On his skinny, pale forearm that hasn’t seen the sun in years are three little scars. They’re circular, and poorly healed and he points to them with his other hand.

“There is no worse form of self-mutilation than using the same needle in the same place to shoot your dirty fuckin’ street heroin until that vein collapses.”

His voice drops at least an octave when he says it, pulling his sleeve back down and re-fastening the button. His heart is pounding. He hasn’t even looked directly at the old sites of his injections for some time. Those three years wracked with addiction and a crippling depression with the only end in sight being the next high, the next temporary euphoria. Those years of sleeping on the beach, or in squats, or sometimes in places he would never remember because he was so fucking strung-out all the time. But it was over now. It had been over for a long time and he had no intention of going back to it. Still, he couldn’t escape the marks it had left. Train tracks only stayed when you repeatedly used the same spot. It was something he wishes he had known. Now he has a life of secrecy and always having to cover up the otherwise conspicuous scars.

Kanaya only nods, biting her bottom lip in discomfort. She knows about his previous addiction, but not just how bad it was. She reaches to touch his hand, a supportive gesture, and he gently gives her fingers a squeeze back. For once he can admit his weakness, and in such a small movement. It feels good to get his melodramatic dark story off his chest. And her gesture isn’t one of sympathy, just one of support. And he realizes now she may just be one of the best friends he’s ever had.

**July 12, 2010, 18:45 – Sollux and Karkat’s Flat**

The door bursts open and Karkat is standing there with a sour look on his face. He’s carrying a paper bag and Sollux’s car keys. Sollux had the day off, and Karkat had been waiting tables since eleven. Whenever he came home from anything, he was pissed off.

“It’s leftovers again, I do not feel like fucking cooking right now.” Karkat drops the bag on the small dining table and unrolls the top.

“What did you get?”

He scrunches his nose up. “Butter chicken, I think. Something ridiculously spicy for you, anyway. Don’t fucking know how you can stand that.”

Sollux pauses the game on his laptop and cranes his neck to look at Karkat. He’s never cheerful, but he has a downtrodden look to him that can’t be simply tiredness. “What’s up?” Sollux asked, getting up and looking through the paper bag.

“Nothing,” he snaps, and Sollux rolls his eyes.

“Do not make me beat it out of you. Or make me ignore it and feel awkward the entire night.” Taking a styrofoam box and a fork from the drawer, Sollux goes back to the couch, sitting cross-legged and closing his laptop. Karkat joins him on the other side, cracking his knuckles and sighing dramatically. They have an unspoken mutual agreement that keeping something troubling from the other is just a childish waste of time.

“How did you and Aradia get together? I think you were already going out when I met you.” His voice drops his angry edge, which catches Sollux off guard.

“Well, she asked me out within the first week of orientation.”

“What, like she just took a shine to you? Saw you and thought, ooh, I’ve got to have a piece of _that!_ ”

He rolls his eyes and takes a bite of his chicken, though it’s not as “ridiculously spicy” as Karkat exaggerated. “Pretty much. We talked for a while, and she wanted to go out. Nothing complicated. Why?”

Karkat only picks at the spaghetti he brought home for himself. “I’ve just been thinking...”

“Wait. Karkat, before you say anything else, just know that I really respect you as a friend.” Sollux’s face splits into a grin and Karkat places his box of noodles on the table in frustrated disbelief.

“It’s Terezi, you twat.”

“Oh, break my heart, why don’t you, KK?”

“Hey, listen! You know this is new to me and I’d really appreciate you not being a total cunt about it. I want to ask her out, but I don’t know how to go about it. Or even if she feels about me that way. Sometimes I think she does, sometimes I don’t know what the fuck she’s thinking.”

Sollux shrugs. “I think she does. Just based on when I talk to her and what she says about you.”

“What? What does she say?” Karkat begins to blush and Sollux hides his smirk.

“She just asks how you’re doing, really. I’d go for it, if I were you.”

He groans, mussing up his hair, which had been neatly combed before. “But how? Do I just go up to her and say it?”

“Do you want me tell her for you?”

“Fuck _no_. What is this, a fucking game of telephone and who-likes-who?”

Sollux shakes his head, still smiling. He wants to say so many things that would surely get him a slap. He knows Karkat really only opens up to him, and him only. His undoubtedly close friendship (that sometimes bordered on just friendship) with Gamzee had crumbled late last year when they were having problems with rent. Gamzee had, at one point, kept a job at the record store, but was let go for smoking grass behind the building. Afterwards, he dealt to school kids to make money, but nothing nearly as much as a minimum-wage job had. It put strain on their relationship as flatmates as well as their friendship. Karkat let him slide for too long, taking extra shifts at work to make up for the rent Gamzee couldn’t pay. Eventually Gamzee just left, and he seemed to partially disappear, only occasionally being online as well as seldom answering texts. It seemed now that Sollux was taking the place of Gamzee and being his confidant. After all, it wasn’t like Sollux was free of troubles. He managed a case of mild, albeit sometimes difficult, clinical depression and often talking was just the cure. As bitter as Karkat was all the time, he did care. And at times like this, Sollux is reminded that he can be, at times, vulnerable.

“Well, you should probably wait for the opportune moment. Have you ever even attempted flirting with her?”

“I’ve attempted it, whether or not it was anything other than awkward dirty jokes or my usual richly ironic metaphors, I don’t know.”

“Richly something. Look, all I can say is that it’s weird no matter how or when you do it. But even if she says no, she’s not going to be mean about it. She seems interested, that’s all I can offer.”

Karkat nods, seeming somewhat more hopeful than before. He starts eating his pasta and they sit in silence for a few minutes.

“Oh, by the way,” Karkat says between mouthfuls. “Are you like totally gay with Ampora or something?”

“What.” It isn’t even a question, just a pre-programmed response to Karkat’s over-exaggerations.

“Yeah, speaking of being interested, I was talking to him last night.”

“Do you two ever stop gossiping?” Sollux mutters darkly, finishing off his butter chicken and walking over to the fridge.

“Not really. He was talking about getting something off his chest and just how great you are at listening or some fruity shit.”

Sollux felt his heart sink into his stomach as he reached into the fridge, taking two beer cans and turning back towards his flatmate. “Oh, that. Didn’t know it was such a big deal.” He plunked back down beside Karkat, handing him a can.

“Well you are.”

“Oh my god, do we need to have a big fucking orgy or something?” Sollux groaned, opening the can and taking a long gulp. “Bunch of guys just hanging ‘round, talking about their feelings, holy shit, this is so stupid.”

“Isn’t it?”

“He’s with Fef, dumbass.”

“He told me it was an ‘open relationship’. They stay together and sleep with anyone else they want.”

“Yeah, but they don’t actually do that, they just stay together out of some weird obligation to each other. They say they’re open, but neither has ever been with anyone else. They’re not even happy together, it’s pretty obvious.”

Karkat scoffs. “And you said I was the one who gossiped. You’ve mapped out the next big flop of a romcom if I’ve ever seen one.”

“That’s our lives, really. A soap opera that nobody would actually watch because it’s so pathetic.”

The silence returns and Karkat switches on the television. Sollux’s mind wanders towards Eridan. Fuck, why would he think of Sollux that way? It’s not like they had established something like he had with Karkat. Was it because Sollux was the only one to show him any kindness when he and Feferi moved here? It was incredibly uncharacteristic of him to ever show interest to someone he didn’t already know. But for some reason, Eridan trusted him with something he had no doubt hid from everyone else.

Strange, he thinks.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be returning as normal. Thanks for being being patient!  
> July && Shaun x

**July 17, 2010, 10:30 – Sollux and Karkat’s flat**

When he’s nursing a hangover, one would not want to be within a mile radius of Karkat Vantas. The usually tolerable yelling and dramatics are toned down significantly, but are instead replaced by a deadly bitterness. He comes off as angry and sarcastic, but it isn’t hard to tell that it’s a show. If Sollux knows Karkat at all, he knows how deep his insecurities run, and how much he truly cares about those close to him. He is but a big mouth on a small body, and Karkat doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, but his voice when Sollux walks into the flat that morning is heavily laced with malice. When something is wrong, Sollux never hears the end of it.

“Holy shit, what happened to you?” It doesn’t actually concern him. Karkat’s eyes are narrowed, his mouth fighting the twitch of a smile when Sollux lunges toward the kettle on the stove, filling it with water from the sink. The only thing he truly needs right now is a cup of tea. His flatmate looks smugly at him, taking a bite of his plain, burnt toast – what he eats every morning.

“Wait, let me guess, this is so easy. Let me go all Sherlock Holmes deductions on you. You’ve got love bites on your neck, fucking hell, are you thirteen?” Sollux leans back on the counter, crossing his arms, ready to receive his helping of verbal abuse.

“I see a red lipstick smudge you forgot to wipe off on your chin. Same clothes from last night, obviously, and you have a slight limp. Oh, she was a kinky one. And is that perfume I can smell? Gross.”

“You done?”

Karkat snickers, the sound eerily reminiscent of Vriska Serket’s own shrewd laughter. “Face it, if this is the pace you’re keeping while single, I am all but entitled to take shots at your choices. Like that time you honestly tried to get with Feferi to make Aradia jealous.”

Sollux rolls his eyes. “Please, that was not to make her jealous, I was honestly interested in seeing where it went.”

“While you knew she was with Eridan, open relationship my arse.”

The kettle begins to whistle just as Sollux grabs a mug from the top cabinet, tossing in a bag of English breakfast. He pours the water out, leering over his shoulder at his flatmate. He joins Karkat at the table, letting the cup of steaming tea steep in front of him. “You know, with all this talk of jealousy, I’m beginning to think you’re the one who’s jealous of me, here.”

He laughs just a little too hard. “Me, Captor? What meager scrap of fucking anything of yours could I possibly have to envy?”

“Have you ever once in your life had a girlfriend?” Sollux nearly winces in anticipation of an angry retort, but Karkat just glares at him. “So am I right?”

“Well, no, you’re not, because I have.”

“Right.” Sollux brings the cup to his lips, testing the water, the hot sting of tea on his lips, and the tingling of a slight burn. “How long ago was that?”

“Oh, before I moved here.”

He nods dismissingly, getting up from the table with his tea towards the sofa where he had left his laptop.

“Hey! I’m not fucking lying! Her name was Nepeta, she was bloody crazy about me.”

“Right.” Sollux sinks into the cushions and opens the computer, typing in his overly complicated password. “You are jealous, though. Because you know that crap saying, ‘it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all’. And you really take it to heart.”

“You are so full of shit,” he growls, standing up from the table and placing his dishes in the sink. “I’m meeting someone for the day, anyway, I’ll see you later tonight.”

“All day? The hell do you go out an entire day for?”

“The hell do I have to tell you? None of your fucking business.” Karkat shrugs into the same leather jacket from the club, and Sollux cocks an eyebrow, looking up from his screen.

“Did you get fired and not tell me and now you’re dealing drugs to make up the money?”

“Yeah, I wish I wasn’t still at that shithole of a restaurant.” His boots are on and he’s out the door, closing it a little too hard. Sollux can’t help but feel a pang of worry as he heard Karkat’s stomping down the hallway. He had no idea what he was getting himself into, but he assumed he knew what he was doing. Karkat never spent any money, he had noticed, storing whatever was left of his paycheck and tips away in the bank, giving a smaller half of the rent for the smaller bedroom in the flat. The place itself was actually a one-bedroom apartment with a sizable closet opposite the bedroom that Karkat had transformed into cramped living. Even though Sollux made a decent living at the programming job he had since his first year in school, Karkat always seemed to have large – for a student ¬– sums of wealth saved up. He certainly wasn’t hurting for cash, making Sollux wonder exactly why he needed to be dealing.

He pulls out his phone when he feels it vibrate, glancing at the screen to see Feferi’s pink text.

to: Sollux [TA]  
from: Feferi [CC]

)(-EY!  
Come over, we’re going out today.

to: Feferi [CC]  
from: Sollux [TA]

2ure. where two?

Eridan and Feferi’s Flat

There's nothing but fuzz in his head, all other sound muffled and blurred into obscurity. He stares straight ahead of him, unfeeling, uncaring of what happens next. He can recall this feeling, but he isn't sure why. It's either the feeling of being on top of the world and being so low, he’s beyond feeling unhappy. Either way, he feels perfectly content about his situation. There's only one thing on his mind. It drips down his forehead and chills him to the bone, despite his burning hot skin. It pulls at the walls of his stomach and makes him feel sick. It pounds in his head, spinning his vision around and making him dizzy. But this is fine; this is all fine, because he knows what he needs. He has the solution. Though in all due time, the symptoms will worsen, and he’ll soon realise that he does not have the solution at all.

to: Eridan [CA]  
from: Vriska [AG]

Hey Eridan the human pincushion!!!!!!!!  
I think I’m due for an apology a8out last week.

The remark doesn’t faze him; he probably didn’t even read it correctly. He extends his legs out in front of him from their crossed position. He’s wearing purple and blue striped socks, probably a pair of Feferi’s, but they’re his favourite colours. He gets up from the bed and walks across the room to the closed door. His mind is a blur, his thoughts nothing but random words in a haze of nonsense. Automatically, he opens the door to see Fef taking clean laundry from the dryer. She looks up at him and her face falls.

“Are you feeling okay?” Her voice is cautious, like she knows he somehow isn’t. The sweat bead rolling down his forehead is a dead giveaway.

“M’fine,” he mutters, and his skin starts to crawl, small insects burrowing underneath his flesh. His muscles flex momentarily to fight them.

She doesn’t need to hang around long before she’s checking the medicine cabinet, reading labels of expiration dates and dosage amounts. He’s sitting at the table, fingers scratching irritably at the crook of his arm, the source of the itch.

“Eridan,” she coos softly, sitting next to him, the back of her fingers trailing down his cheek. She hands him two glasses of orange juice, each containing half a dose of bitter liquid methadone. She looks like a mother tending a child with flu, and if he were any more aware, it would piss him off. Some lover she was sometimes, acting as if she had to protect him from himself.

to: Sollux [TA]  
from: Aradia [AA]

hey s0llux!  
i haven’t seen you for a while

i was thinking we sh0uld catch up  
h0w d0es red h0use s0und

hey are y0u getting my texts  
0_0

**13:00 – Cinema**

“He told me he was depressed.”

Feferi curls her top lip and shakes her head dismissively. It’s not untrue, but she knows there is a lot missing from his statement. She and Sollux are the only ones in the theatre, their seats right in the middle, dwarfed by the large screen playing a silent slideshow. Still, she can’t say the truth, considering Eridan never told anybody about his previous drug addiction. “I can only guess it’s something to do with that,” she says robotically, being a terrible liar. Luckily Sollux doesn’t pursue the topic at hand. She bites the inside of her cheek to stop the sudden sting of tears behind her eyes.

“Can I tell you something?” Sollux asks suddenly, Feferi’s eyes growing wide.

“What?”

“It’s about Karkat.”

Her face relaxes, easing into a smile. “Aw, Sollux.”

“Fuck no, not that. I’m worried about him. You know how he was holding that week ago?”

She cocks her head the side innocently, but a giggle betrays her. “Oh, is he like, dealing regularly now?”

Sollux nods. “He said he was meeting someone today, and he wouldn’t say who. This is exactly what happened with Gamzee, and when was the last time anyone heard from him?”

“Hmm, yeah it’s been a while. You worried he’s going to disappear as well?”

“No, I’m worried about him not paying the rent.”

Feferi throws a piece of popcorn off of Sollux, bouncing it off his temple. “You do too care about him!”

“Obviously. But he’s been all touchy-feely about Terezi these days. King of the romantic comedies can’t even come up with a creative way to ask her out.”

She smiles as the lights go down in the theatre and the screen goes black. Feferi puts Sollux’s arm around her shoulders and rests her head on his shoulder. It’s purely a friendly gesture, though she feels slightly hollow inside. She wants to get everything off her chest, how even though she’s with her second best friend in the world, she can’t tell him what’s plaguing her mind. She loves Eridan, but she’s seen him at his worst. She’s seen the symptoms of withdrawal, his skin ashen white and soaked with sweat, his eyes blank and his words a jumble of curses and utter nonsense. She remembers all the tears, how she dropped out of journalism school just to get his junkie ass out of Southend to start fresh. She remembers the phone call, saying he was in the hospital, dumped outside the front doors unconscious from an overdose. She blames herself even though it’s pointless. But there’s nobody to tell.

She feels something buzz against her and Sollux whips out his phone with an air of annoyance.

“Turn your mobile off during the movie, god,” she snickers.

“It’s just Aradia,” he grumbles, replying quickly before shutting his phone off. “Apparently we haven’t seen each other for a while.”

“I thought you were with her a few days ago.”

He doesn’t respond, and Feferi doesn’t question it further.

to: Sollux [TA]  
from: Aradia [AA]

im starting t0 get the impressi0n that y0ure ign0ring me

to: Aradia [AA]  
from: Sollux [TA]

fuck fiine iill 2ee you toniight at red hou2e.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> College is a time-consumer, so updates will be slow until winter break. But we've discovered Google Drive so collaboration will be a lot easier at least. Stick with us, we're not giving up.

October 31st, 2008

Kanaya of all people managed to drag him out of the bar that night. He wasn’t drunk, but he was in serious danger of starting a fight with the younger Strider brother. Karkat and Dave were always at each other’s throats. It was clear he’d had a bad day, and Kanaya lectured him on drinking his troubles away as she pulled him along down the sidewalk. He had gone with Sollux and Aradia that night, but they left without him. Kanaya met them there, but she, like Karkat, found herself far removed from their other friends as they chattered and giggled in hushed tones only to each other. It increased with the amount of alcohol consumed. It left the other two in the awkward position of making conversation with each other while the other couple conversed so vibrantly. The only thing they had in common was their unusual admiration of gossip among their circle of friends. It would only be rude to engage in it with two of them right there, however. Kanaya had barely gotten through a pint by the time Sollux and Aradia stumbled out of the pub, cackling gleefully all the way back to their flat. How happy they were. She didn’t have what they had, nor had she ever. For a long time, she had been pining for a certain female friend of hers, but that was never going to happen. The only person who knew that was the one she was dragging along the street with her as she pushed past the nightlife crowd on their way to various downtown clubs and pubs.

“Can you at least let me walk you to your flat?”

They managed to grab the bus that lead back to their modest neighborhood in the city. It was soon before her stop and the question surprised her. “Why?”

“Mine’s only about a block away. Sometimes I don’t know about these places at night.” Karkat was asking sincerely, but his voice was gravelly and dark, as it usually was.

She raised an eyebrow at him. “Okay. If it makes you feel better, I have no objections.” A slight blush tinged her cheeks. It was just the alcohol, she told herself. She always was a bit of a lightweight.

He replied only with a nod. As they got off the bus and made their way to the tiny fabric store that her flat sat above, Kanaya suddenly had an idea. She looked down at the man, as she was much taller than him in her shoes. As much as he would never admit to it, he cared about her. He cared about a lot of people.

She hesitated once they got to her door. “Would you care to come inside?” Her voice was slight, her posture becoming shy.

It clearly caught him by surprise. “Why?” he relayed the same question to her.

“I don’t know, we haven’t had the best night, maybe we could have a cup of tea? Just to keep each other company?” She was on the brink of stuttering, her heart speeding up in her chest.

Karkat finally shrugged. “Sure, why the fuck not?”

She fumbled for her keys, nearly dropping them before unlocking the door to the shop. She locked it again before ascending the stairs to the narrow hallway with a single door. The inside was in its usual state, clean to the point of sparkling, save for her sewing desk, which was always a tip. It was a tiny place, but remarkably well organized for someone with such large collections of stuff. Karkat kicked off his trainers before taking a seat on her single small couch in the middle of the room. Perched atop a small shelf was a small television that didn’t get much use. Kanaya felt anxious as she put the kettle on to boil, her fingers nearly shaking as she plunked teabags into two cups. This was stupid.

“That’s the last time I hang out with those two,” Karkat muttered, breaking the silence. Kanaya chuckled.

“You always say that.”

“I mean it this time. Every time I try to have a normal time out with them, it turns into them having too much and going home to do god knows what horrible, unspeakable things.”

“It’s not that bad is it?”

“Yes, yes it is bad, Kanaya. So fucking bad, people being in love and shit.”

“Oh?” The water began to boil and she shut off the stove, pouring it into the cups. “They’re in love?”

He grunted. “Christ, do you not pay attention? Everyone knows it.”

Kanaya brought the tea over, sitting next to Karkat, letting it steep on the table in front of them. “Please, Mr. Vantas. Is this information even public, because I would have heard about it already.”

“Oh, it’s certainly fucking public, in case you haven’t noticed. They’re moving in together.”

“Really? I haven’t heard that. Took long enough.” She bit her bottom lip, staring at her tea becoming progressively darker. “Do you know about Eridan and Feferi?”

“I do not give a fuck about them, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“It’s just that he’s been sick for so long, obviously, and I guess Feferi’s been making him feel better.”

“Well, good for him. Really, as much as I don’t care, I’m glad he isn’t dead.”

“You’re not understanding what I’m saying.” All she had to do was give him a knowing expression, and his face softened in understanding.

“Oh, okay, I get it. Fuck, why is everyone in a happy relationship? Everyone is too fucking happy.”

Kanaya giggled. “I’m not sure what he had, but there were rumors it was HIV, though it seems very unlikely.”

“Don’t even start. I don’t want to know. Strider and Terezi broke up just yesterday.” Karkat picked up his cup, sipping gently on the steaming liquid. “Thank god. I can’t stand to see that prick happy. That’s good news.”

“Did you hear about Roxy’s near DUI?”

“I did. Fucking hilarious. And Jane?”

“Her incident with John? Tragic.”

“Fucking hilarious.”

A laugh escaped her as she brought the tea to her lips. Karkat was always there to indulge her need for gossip. They exchanged secrets for a good while, Karkat becoming noticeably less angry and more relaxed. They could only ever talk when they were alone, since it was usually about other people. It was a filthy habit, she understood, but it was only one weakness she had. The other was presenting itself at the current moment, and as Karkat put it, everyone was too fucking happy in relationships. She hadn’t gotten any for months, and her own prospects of being too fucking happy in a relationship weren’t looking good. The thought had never crossed her mind before, and she had never done anything of the sort, but Karkat just had a way with people, specifically her. She wondered if he thought about it, too. As far as she knew he never had a girlfriend. (Boyfriend? Maybe it was all pointless.)

No, she could never do it. How could she ask of something like that? Even if it was only supposed to be a one-night thing, there was no way.

No fucking way.

She started by casually placing her hand on his knee, letting it creep upwards ever so subtly as they became more engaged in conversation. She tried to come off as confident as she always was, but her shyness didn’t escape Karkat’s notice. She never giggled or hunched her shoulders the way she did. He didn’t object when she moved in to kiss him, much to her surprise.

Awkward was an understatement for their encounter, and unsatisfying unfortunately accurate. Karkat fumbled with the buttons on her shirt, and even more so with the clasp on her bra. Her hands still shaking from nervousness, Kanaya managed to get his jacket off his shoulders before they moved to her bedroom. She felt herself becoming more self-conscious than ever as they stripped off; perhaps it was her sharp hipbones or her slightly protruding ribs from underneath her skin. She really was rail thin, but so was Karkat as she soon found out. He showed no sign of wanting to stop. His mouth moved tentatively across her neck and collarbone, giving her gooseflesh, and finally the first inklings of real desire. She couldn’t decide where to put her hands. The back of his neck? Too loving. On his chest? Too lustful, and he wasn’t that impressive. It wasn’t hard to find a rhythm after a mostly successful round of foreplay, but it was difficult for her to get any joy when he rolled his hips into hers. The frustrated ball of stress never even began to leave her. She pushed his body away softly from hers, giving him a disappointed look. She gave up as he gently got off of her, turning to the side. Her face flushed with shame and embarrassment, she gripped the bed sheets tightly to her body.

Suddenly, Kanaya felt the desire to disappear completely, to be far away from Karkat’s gaze. It was silent between them before he reached out to touch her shoulder. She flinched, but his fingers trailed down her back.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” he said hoarsely, trying to sound tender, but his voice held undertones of annoyance. It caught her by surprise. “Obviously you needed a shag. So what was that about?”

She tried to give him a dark look, preparing a snarky comeback, but it faded into sadness. “Have you ever gotten the feeling you care about people more than they care about you?”

He didn’t answer straight away. “Yes. And if you’re referring to the assholes we have as friends always depending on you for advice, I understand.”

A small smile cracked through her forlorn expression. His hard, insulting tone was back. “I’m not looking for anything, all right? I just–“

“–needed to get laid, I get it. And I also guess this is your first attempt at hooking up. Could’ve had any random stranger and you went for me.”

She sighed, rubbing her eyes. “Yes, but I’m thinking now what I really need is more than that.”

“And just so we’re clear, that’s not from me, right?”

“Correct.”

“Who, then?”

“Vriska.” She didn’t hesitate, feeling her tense muscles relax at the admission. Immediately she took it back when she heard the chuckling next to her.

“How does that not surprise me? One of the lowest fucking forms of the nastiest human garbage and you love her.”

Kanaya glared. “What does me loving her supposed to mean, then?”

His gaze softened apologetically. “That’s not what I’m saying. It doesn’t matter, I won’t judge.”

“You don’t know her like I do, Karkat.”

The silence returned between them, but Kanaya wasn’t feeling any better. Karkat broke the silence again, mumbling, “It doesn’t have to do with me, does it?”

“What? Oh, um, no, it wasn’t you...”

“Okay.”

“You are surprisingly good.”

“Surprisingly?”

“Yes. I wasn’t expecting it.”

He rolled his eyes. “Well, I think maybe I should get home. It’s probably empty considering Gamzee is never around these days.” He was about to swing his legs over the edge of the bed, but Kanaya grabbed his arm.

“No, I’m feeling better. But not better enough.” She smiled, and he nearly returned it, moving in to kiss her again.

It didn’t matter to her exactly who she went home with that night, but she was glad Karkat had been with her. Later when they lay next to each other, the second round going much better than the first, she found her fingers curling around his. Eventually his arm was around her shoulder and her head rested on his chest. They didn’t need to say anything, but it was clear Kanaya needed him to stay for the night. Her eyes were heavy when he broke the silence, his voice gravelly and husky with tiredness.

“Sure you don’t want me to call you?”

“Don’t.”

He left in the morning as if it never happened, and she was glad to wake up alone. As much as she needed the closeness and security of another person, it would never be Karkat. And with the fleeting moments of temporary satisfaction disappearing by the following evening, she was reminded of the usual gnawing loneliness absorbing her when the night fell. It was she who called Karkat within a week, dragging out their affair for six weeks before she could handle being alone again.

July 17, 2010, 20:00 – Redhouse Pub

to: Sollux [TA]  
from: Karkat [CG]

CONSIDERING YOU’RE NOT ANSWERING ME, I’M ASSUMING YOU’RE NOT COMING HOME ANYTIME SOON. FINE. LEFTOVERS ARE ALL FOR ME ASSHOLE. I DON’T EVEN GIVE A SHIT IF YOU’RE DEAD IN AN ALLYWAY OR SOMETHING.

to: Karkat [CG]  
from: Sollux [TA]

je2u2 chrii2t im ju2t out wiith aa

“Thanks for coming with me.”

“Well, I don’t think you would have enjoyed coming here on your own with Aradia and her new boyfriend.” Feferi finishes off her glass of wine, noticing that Sollux hasn’t even made it halfway through his. She gestures to the bartender to bring another to her. “It really bugs me that she does this, Sollux. Does she have any idea?”

He feels his heart skip in his chest as she hit a sensitive spot. “No, she never did because I never told her. I mean it’s just awkward now it’s no trouble. I don’t want to cut her out completely.”

She shakes her head, taking another rather long gulp form her glass. “I never understood that. We are friends, but I never got how she seemed to get over you so quickly.”

“So it seems.”

“Seems like she’s kind of a bitch.”

Sollux almost spits out his merlot, choking out a laugh into his glass. “Christ, how much have you had to drink?”

Feferi frowns while swishing the dark red liquid around her glass. “I didn’t mean that. Cap me off, Captor.” She’s drinking awfully fast that night. She knows her limit, but she hasn’t been drunk for a long time. Usually when she was drunk, she wasn’t fun and bubbly like everyone thought she would be. After passing her tipsy stage, she was known to insult even her closest friends, and eventually break down into a sobbing mess.

Sollux is the first to spot Aradia walking into the pub, but she’s alone. They make eye contact and she smiles, making her way towards him, swerving around tables until she’s throwing her arms around Sollux’s neck in embrace.

“Hi, it’s good to see you!” she exclaims, giving Feferi a hug and a kiss on the cheek. When Aradia isn’t looking, she rolls her eyes at the statement. They saw each other only a few days ago.

“No Equius?” Sollux asks right away.

“Oh, no, something came up. How are you?”

It’s obvious how annoyed Feferi is by Aradia’s presence after being given the recent information from Sollux. She ignores her voice of reason telling her to stop drinking, and orders another glass from the perturbed bartender. Sollux feels the inebriated anger coming off her in her short answers to questions and refusal to engage in conversation. It gives him more time to focus on his ex, seeing her face light up in the golden glow of the pub. Feferi had a point. When Aradia broke it off with him, she left him alone a few weeks after she moved out. Soon after, she was texting him as if they had both magically healed. Sollux was nowhere near ready at the time, but he kept his mouth shut. He had never been in a previous relationship with anyone else. He could blame it on not knowing how to set boundaries, but he could never admit to himself that he was in fact clinging to the notion of getting back together with her. He let go of that a long time ago, but still couldn’t get over her when he saw her so often.

Aradia seems uncomfortable somehow, and it’s not just because of Feferi becoming progressively more aggressive. She admits she and Equius got in a fight before they came and he was staying at home. Apparently he brought up the idea of them living together.

“You’ve been dating for a few weeks, holy shit, Aradia.”

“I know! It just freaked me out,” she replied, frowning as Feferi swayed slightly back and forth. “He’s crazy about me, though. I’ll forgive him later.”

“That’s a bit forward, though,” Sollux said snidely. “Does he not know how relationships work? Christ.”

“He just thought he was so ready, it was kind of cute.” She blushes and Feferi audibly scoffs. “Are you okay? You seem a little edgy tonight.”

“I’m edgy? Look at Sollux!” she retorted, the one next her recoiling in shock.

“What the hell?” he asked. “I think you’ve had enough...”

 

22:00

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering [CA] caligulasAquarium

CG: HEY ASSHOLE.  
CA: yeah wwhat kar im in the middle of somethin important here  
CG: BULLSHIT YOU’RE JUST WATCHING SOME STUPID MOVIE.  
CA: do you really wwant to argue over wwho wwatches stupid movvies?  
CG: NEVERMIND.  
CG: HAS FEFERI COME BACK YET.  
CA: no wwhy  
CG: CAPTORS BEEN OUT WITH HER AND ARADIA.  
CA: im really not seein the point to this convversation kar  
CG: OKAY. I’M DONE WITH THIS. MAYBE YOU CAN TALK SOME SENSE INTO HIM.  
CG: IT’S OBVIOUS TO EVERY FUCKING PERSON ON THIS PLAIN OF EXISTENCE THAT HE NEEDS TO STOP HANGING AROUND HER BECAUSE SHE MAKES HIM MISERABLE.  
CG: I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE FUCKING TOLD HIM BUT IT DOESN’T GET THROUGH HIS UNBEARABLY THICK SKULL.  
CA: obvviously  
CA: so wwhat do you wwant me to do about it  
CG: I DON’T KNOW. FUCKING TELL HIM THAT. BECAUSE HE MUST THINK I’M CRAZY.  
CA: an howw am i to go about doin this  
CA: hey sol so youre a miserable bastard wwhen you hang out wwith your ex girlfriend and you should probably stop  
CG: YES. EXACTLY LIKE THAT.  
CA: you are fuckin crazy  
CG: I’M NOT SAYING IT’S ARADIA’S FAULT OR ANYTHING.  
CG: HIS DUMB ASS NEVER TOLD HER ANYTHING WAS WRONG.  
CA: ill see wwhat i can do

The door to the flat opened and two figures walk in the door. The lights flick on and Eridan squints, the sudden brightness hurting his eyes. Sollux is propping Feferi up with an arm around her shoulders. Eridan pauses the screen playing The Two Towers and looks over at his two friends.

“What happened?”

“Feferi got drunk and had a little mishap,” Sollux quips. Fef pulls away from his support. Eridan just snickers.

“I called her a bitch,” Feferi sighs and walks off to the bedroom. “Thanks for taking me home Sollux.”

He nods but Eridan just snickers. “You should see her really wasted, she’s a bit of a scrapper.”

“Fuck off,” she snarled at him with only a hint of sarcasm before closing the bedroom door.

“You’re looking better,” Sollux muttered. “Fef told me you were pretty sick this morning.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, just a bit ill.” He gestures, offering Sollux the seat next to him. “So what was her problem tonight?”

Sollux’s upper lip curled, his expression one of agitation. He exhaled deeply, crossing his arms defensively before sitting next to the other. “She called Aradia a ‘cockteasing bitch’, actually, and started making accusations about her leading me on.”

Eridan raised an eyebrow, feeling his head spin slightly. Perhaps it was Karkat’s lucky night after all. “Yeah, well, she’s drunk, and she really needs to come with a warning label.”

“No kidding.” He frowns, his head filled with thoughts. To him, her comments weren’t just inebriated outbursts with no real meaning. Somehow Feferi’s drunken raving got to him. Eridan’s eyes narrow and he looks back at the screen, not seeing any reply from Karkat. “Not there’s any merit to those words, right?”

“No, I know.” His voice is insincere and there’s a silence between them. Eridan taps passively on the edge of his laptop and clears his throat.

“Well, maybe Fef was a bit harsh, but Sol-“

“Yeah, alright, I know what you’re going to say.” Sollux gets up from the couch and heads to the door.

“Hey, no, wait! Sol, can you please just...” He turns around to look at Eridan, a slightly pained expression on his face. “Can we please just be a couple of girls and talk about your feelings for a minute?”

He rolls his eyes and turns back towards the door. “See ya later, ED.”

“Fine, no, Fef is wrong. There’s nothing wrong with Aradia, it’s you.”

Sollux sighs without turning around. “Did KK put you up to this?”

“Yes, but that’s not the point, and for fuck’s sake, it’s not bloody healthy to keep it all bottled up. That’s how people do crazy shit, trust me.”

Sollux turns around, leering, but gives up and joins Eridan on the couch again.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

“You fucking well are.”

He tilts his head back, closing his eyes. “She just sort of showed up around February asking to hang out like nothing happened. Like back before we started dating. It was weird, but I thought if she was over it, I should be, too. She’s had boyfriends before and I’ve never had a relationship. I thought it was normal.”

Eridan nods, keeping a nonjudgmental disposition.

“I just sort of forced myself to get over it with her always around.”

“Obviously you needed more time away from her.”

“Was it that obvious?”

“Pretty much. So what do you really want to do now?”

Sollux pauses, thinking over his answer. It had been long enough that any bitterness he held against her was gone. “I really want to have things back to normal. I’m done pining over her, because we’re never going to happen again. But there’s something in the way. There’s something holding me back from being comfortable around her.”

“Maybe it’s you telling her. Or telling anybody.”

“Why am I even telling you about this?”

“Because you won’t even fucking tell Karkat. Look, I told you my big deep, dark secret,” his heart clenches when he’s reminded of the lie, “so we’re okay now. We’re tight.”

He rolls his eyes. “Sure. I guess you really trust me, then, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do.” Eridan looks down, feeling self-conscious. Sollux gets up once again and heads towards the door.

“I guess I trust you, too. Goodnight.” He leaves and Eridan’s fingers fly over the keys again.

CA: might just be gettin somewwhere

**Author's Note:**

> Later chapters will be longer, this is just a starting point.


End file.
